


No Absolutions

by DoveZiam



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Bullying, Depiction of Funerary Care, Derogatory Language, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Gravedigger Louis, Gravedigger Zayn, Hate Crimes, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Islamophobia, M/M, RE2017, Racism, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing, Writers4Ziam, nothing too graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-01-07 06:35:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 28,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12227550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoveZiam/pseuds/DoveZiam
Summary: “Isn’t it, like… You know, weird?” Liam asked, looking at the beautiful, yet creepy, bouquet. Nothing made something so pure look so bittersweet than see it in a coffin.“You mean, working with the dead?” Zayn asked, and Liam nodded. “Nah, man. The dead are ok. They can’t annoy you. They stink, sometimes, but that’s what the flowers are for.”(Or Zayn is a moody gravedigger in a small town. Liam would never think a guy like Zayn would be interested in the Glee Club. He would never think how much a guy like Zayn would change him, too.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, well, well, look who's back again with a fic way longer than it should be. ;)  
> This fic was written for the Ziam Reverse Exchange on Tumblr. It is supposed to be a Glee adaptation, but it went a bit away from it. I hope you enjoy it anyway!  
> Huge thanks to my sweet Ella, always cheering me on. Love you, babe!  
> Thank you, Carlos, for your help with editing!  
> The fic is softly (s o f t l y) inspired by the song "Take Me To Church", by Hozier.

_The giggle at the funeral_

 

Liam was frowning deeply, looking at the coffin laid inside the naked grave. He was trying really hard to concentrate on what the priest was saying, but it was difficult to focus on his droning while hearing giggles from time to time.

It was his uncle’s burial and, even though he never had a fond feeling towards the man, he knew he should be respectful. Some of the people congregated at the cemetery looked at the direction of the laughter with disapproving eyes. Liam’s parents were by his side, but they didn’t look back at the noise, nor displayed any annoyance.

“The disrespect,” his aunt snipped in what what she probably thought was a low voice. She wiped a handkerchief on her dry face and shook her head towards the boys giggling. They were under the tree a few feet from them, behind Liam.

He turned his upper body to look at them, his frown getting deeper. The boys looked completely unapologetic. They were Louis Tomlinson, the son of the manager of the cemetery, who was resting his arm on a shovel, a devious smirk on his lip; Harry Styles, the son of the priest who followed Louis around was by his side; and lastly, there was Zayn Malik, Louis’ best friend and the most acclaimed bad boy at school. He was puffing on a cigarette, stepping on a pickaxe to keep it standing up.

Zayn turned his eyes to Liam, and he looked away, not wanting to catch his attention. Liam’s frown was deep, the disapproval evident on his face. It wasn’t because his uncle was a bit of a dick that these boys could laugh at his burial. They shouldn’t laugh at anyone’s burial. He crossed his arms and looked at the coffin, decided to not look at them again.

 

_The last true mouthpiece_

 

He was running, his curly hair whipping around wildly on his face while he tried to mislead the jocks that were chasing him. Liam had stopped to run from bullies after he started his boxer lessons, but he wouldn’t face three jocks at the same time. Two he could try, but three… Well, he just wasn’t that stupid.

He didn’t look back, because he could trip and be caught. That’s why he didn’t see one of them separating from the others to surround him. When the boy jumped on him from his side, coming from another corridor, he squealed, surprised.

The other two got on him and held his arms to keep him in place. He struggled and kicked, but they didn’t budge.

“Finally we got you, you faggot!” William, the jock that was holding him from the right, said.

David, the jock that had jumped on him and was the leader of the gang, came closer, fisting his hand and raising it. When Liam understood he couldn’t run from it, he turned his face to the side, trying to protect his nose from the blunt of the punch.

“Oh, so nice to see this,” someone said from the side, and the boys stopped, looking at the voice. “Three jocks attacking a guy, because they can’t take him down if it’s one against one.” Liam craned his neck and saw Zayn. He was holding the strap of his backpack with one hand and his phone with the other, filming them with a smirk on his face. “This was a really good shot.” He stopped filming, pocketed his phone and waved his hand through his hair, messing up the blond streak on it.

“Stay out of this, Paki!” David said roughly. “If you don’t go away, we will destroy your pretty face and your phone too.”

“You can destroy my phone. I already sent the video to my cloud,” Zayn said, calmly, and dropped his backpack on the ground. “Now that it’s two of us, let’s make this fight a bit more equal, how ‘bout that?”

“How about you five stop the crap and go back home?” Paul Higgins, the PE teacher, said, coming close to them. “Classes are finished. Go away,” He said, then added, “And no funny business. Go.”

Liam struggled and they let him get away from their hold. He picked up his backpack that had fell onto the floor and shouldered it, starting to walk with his head bowed. Zayn picked up his backpack as well and stepped by Liam’s side. The other three walked faster, bumping their shoulders when they passed them.

“No funny business!” Mr. Higgins said. “Or I’ll suspend you all and ban you from the school’s team.”

That was enough for the three bullies to bow their heads and walk even faster, disappearing into the parking lot.

Liam was uncomfortable because he didn’t want to feel indebted to Zayn. Or worse, turn him into a target.

“You didn’t have to do that,” he mumbled, looking at the ground.

“No, I didn’t, yeah,” Zayn said, calmly, plucking a cigarette from his pocket when they stepped out of the building. “I could say you’d do the same for me, but I doubt you would.”

“I―” Liam said, looking at him, ready to deny it, but Zayn cut him off.

“You wouldn’t, because you wouldn’t even realize that something wrong was happening if you didn’t suffer through it before,” he said, lighting the cigarette. He didn’t seem bothered by what he just said. It looked like it was a universal truth that he was used to knowing.

“But I _do_ suffer from it and I know. So I would,” Liam said, earnestly. He wanted Zayn to believe him, because it was the truth. “I would.”

Zayn looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “If you say so.” He shrugged and turned to his bike, unlocking it.

“Thank you,” Liam said, standing awkwardly close to his own bike.

“No problem, mate,” Zayn said, putting his cigarette between his lips and mounting his bike. “See you around,” he said, and left.

 

_That looks tasty_

 

Liam was wary when he went back to school the next day. It wasn't because of David and his cronies. He didn't think they would try anything again so soon. Not after Mr. Higgins threatening them of being kicked off the team. He was feeling on edge, and he knew he shouldn't feel that way.

It was when he felt a jolt in his belly as Zayn entered their shared History class, that Liam started to suspect about the reason he was feeling that way.

Well, it was common of him to feel on edge in Zayn’s presence. He was feared in school by some, adored by others and hated by more. It was impossible to ignore him. Liam could admit to himself that he admired and feared Zayn to the same extent, which was very unsettling.

Zayn had come into town two years ago. Liam discovered from listening to whispers in the corridors that his parents were born in the town, but had moved to another place when they married. Louis Tomlinson got Zayn under his wings in the first week. It looked like their mums were childhood friends, or something.

Louis was an older boy who spent a year out of school. No one knew why, he just stopped going one day at the start of his sixth form. He had came back to school the next year, though. The few who were courageous enough to dare ask him, had ran away scared. So, the others didn't even try.

In his first week back at school, Louis basically went through it alone. That was until Zayn came and they were attached at the hips out of nowhere. After winter vacations, Harry Styles, who was a year younger, started to hang out with them too. He was a nice person to everyone ― even to Liam. He didn’t understand how and why Harry hung out with them, but the whole school gossiped about him and Louis being an item. No one had proof, though, so Liam didn’t know for sure. No one dared to call them names, because they feared Louis and Zayn. So, they usually kept to themselves, smoking and being moody all around; except for Harry, who liked to talk to everyone.

So yeah, it was normal for Liam to feel on edge in Zayn's presence. What wasn't normal was Zayn’s absence leaving him on edge too.

Liam was feeling like he owed something to Zayn. He didn't know what to do with that feeling, because he suspected he wouldn't have an opportunity to pay his debt. Strangely, he didn't think Zayn would ask for payment ― and he didn't know why he thought that.

He didn't know Zayn, but even though he had these mixed feelings towards him, he felt a bit more safe with him around. Which was ridiculous. It wasn't because Zayn saved his hide once, that he would protect him forever. Add to that the fact that Liam didn't need protection and, well. Yeah, he didn't need protection. Not anymore.

 _However, it would be nice to be friends._ Did he want to be friends with the bad boys, though? Liam didn't know, but, after Zayn helping him with David and his gang, he was changing his views about him. It was a shame that it didn't matter, anyway. Liam sighed and concentrated on his teacher, not looking at Zayn’s direction anymore.

When he was collecting his things at the end of the class, he looked up and Zayn was looking at him, rubbing at his stubble. Zayn nodded at him and a small smile formed on Liam’s lips.

The interaction was brief, because Zayn got up and left the class, Louis was already waiting for him in the corridor. Liam forced his smile to subside, because Zayn wasn’t looking at him anymore. It was just a nod, c’mon. There was no reason for such a small acknowledgment make it hard to wipe his smile off his face.

Liam gathered his things and left the classroom. On the way to his locker, he saw a pamphlet in red and black print on the wall. A microphone on it caught his attention. He went close to it and it said, in bold letters: “DO YOU WANT TO JOIN THE ‘GLEE’ CLUB? Auditions next Friday at the school theatre.”

Liam bit his lower lip, thoughtful. He loved music and was a decent singer. Once his dad thought it was the CD playing in the car when he sung, and it wasn’t a lie to make him feel good. Maybe he had a chance to be a part of the Glee club, and it sounded like fun to be a part of a musical club. He plucked the pamphlet off from the wall and pocketed it. He had to practice, but he would try.

 

_A fresh poison each week_

 

On Monday, Liam had arrived at the school theatre early. In fact, he was the first one to arrive; not even the professor was there. After fifteen minutes of waiting, Mr. Cowell, the music professor, arrived at the theatre.

“Good afternoon, Liam,” he said, when he saw Liam there, sitting in the second row, jiggling his legs nervously. “You’re here for the auditions?” he asked in his no-nonsense way of speaking.

“Yes, sir,” Liam answered.

“Right. Sign this and come help me,” Mr. Cowell said, giving him a presence list to sign, and starting to put everything in place for the auditions. Liam signed it and got up to help him position everything on the stage.

After Mr. Cowell’s arrival, a few students arrived. Liam kept looking around to see who was coming in. He was surprised when he saw the new kid entering the theatre. His name was Niall Horan and he was from Ireland. He had dyed blond hair, a very loud laugh and a friendly aura. Liam hadn’t talked to him yet, though.

They shared English class, but they didn’t have the opportunity to talk. Probably because Liam sat at the front of the class, as he struggled with the subject, and Niall sat at the back. Liam had noticed that Niall had made friends with a lot of his classmates already.

Liam was carrying a box with microphones to the stage when he saw Louis Tomlinson entering the theatre. To say he was surprised would be an understatement. Harry Styles was with him, as per usual, and they sat by Niall’s side, clearly knowing him from other places. And, _well_ , that was a new development.

Liam shrugged to himself and finished the tasks Mr. Cowell gave him. He went back to his seat when Mr. Cowell’s assistant arrived. After they had everything ready, Mr. Cowell called the students to organize the auditions.

Before starting anything, Mr. Cowell said, “The Glee Club is no joke. If you take part of the auditions, be aware that, if you pass, you’re gonna work hard to make our Glee Club the best of our country. If I see any of you lazing about and making anything to ruin our chances, I’m gonna make sure that you won’t find a place in a good University. Did I make myself clear?”

“Yes, sir!” the students scattered in the theatre answered.

“Good. Now, if any of you don’t want to work hard for this, leave now,” Mr Cowell added, and two boys left shyly. “Liam, you’ll be the first one,” he said, and Liam’s head snapped in his direction.

“Me?” he asked, a bit insecure.

“Yes. Come up here,” Mr. Cowell called, his face serious.

“Okay.” Liam nodded, and went to the stage.

“Here.” Mr. Cowell handed a microphone to him. “The stage is yours,” he said and went to a chair in the front row.

Liam swallowed hard and looked at Mr. Cowell’s assistant. She gave him a thumbs up and clicked the play, the initial chords of Cry Me a River, by Michal Bublé, filling the theatre. It was then, that Zayn entered the theatre in a rush, and plopped by Louis’ side. Liam’s heart skipped a beat and he almost lost his cue, but he breathed in in time to make his voice float through the theatre along the melody.

“Now you say you’re lonely…” he started to sing. He noticed some of the people straightening their backs, some of them getting closer to the edge of their chairs, shocked.

Liam closed his eyes and sung with his soul, feeling the lyrics. When he opened his eyes, he felt more secure in his skin, the music always helping to bring the most confident side of him. When he finished, everyone that was in the theatre clapped and cheered.

Liam ducked his head shyly, with a smile on his face.

“That was impressive, Liam,” Mr. Cowell said. “I’m glad you came. You’re in.”

“Yes!” Liam fist pumped, feeling accomplished ― something he didn't feel that often.

“Wait until the end of the auditions,” Mr. Cowell instructed, pointing to the chairs.

“Okay. Thanks, sir,” Liam said, and went to sit to watch the other auditions.

The auditions were very entertaining, to say the least. Some of the candidates were really― well, really bad. Mr. Cowell wasn’t a kind person, so, he told them off in a slightly cruel manner that made Liam cringe.

When it was Niall’s time, Mr. Cowell looked thoughtful. “You have charisma, Niall, but you’re not that good,” he said, and Niall nodded, a bit sad. “But you’re gonna stay, because I can see talent in you.”

“Yay!” Niall jumped. “Thank you, sir!” he said.

“You’ll have to work hard to own the trust I’m offering,” he advised, and Niall nodded.

“No problem, sir!” Niall went to sit again, high fiving Louis, Harry and Zayn.

In that moment, Zayn raised his head, catching Liam eyes. A thrill coursed through Liam’s veins, his heart skipping a beat. Zayn nodded at him with a smirk and Liam smiled back, giving a discreet nod.

The next was Harry. He sung very well and had a lot of charm. So, obviously, he stayed. After him was Louis. He didn’t sing that well, but it was enough for Mr. Cowell tell him to stay.

The last one was Zayn, and when he started to sing ― _fuck_.

He sung like an angel. A real, truly, fallen from the heavens angel. Liam was impressed.

When Zayn left the stage to sit again, he didn’t look conceited. On the contrary, he looked humble and a bit shy. He looked at Liam and, without thinking, Liam gave him a thumbs up. Zayn smiled at him and nodded, ducking his head.

Mr. Cowell got up and went to the stage. “Well, only you five were good enough, so, you will form our Glee Club. Our rehearsals will be twice a week, on Mondays and Thursdays after classes. Your first task will be choose a name for the group and a song for us to work with in the first rehearsal. Come back Thursday with a name and a song.” The boys nodded, understanding. “You may go now,” he dismissed them.

Liam picked up his things and walked slowly, letting the other boys go ahead and leave before him.

Louis looked back at him, slowing his steps and coming closer. “I didn’t know you could sing, Liam,” he said.

“Yeah.” Liam nodded, shyly. “I didn’t know you could sing too.”

“That’s because I can’t,” Louis said, throwing his head back, laughing aloud. “I don’t know why I’m here, mate. I came to the auditions just for moral support, but I guess you’ll have to keep me.”

“I’ll have to work on my singing too, Tommo,” Niall said. “At least I have charisma.” He wiggled his eyebrows, laughing.

“Excuse you, but I have lots of charisma,” Louis said, flicking his hair back.

Zayn was walking close to them, his hand in his pockets, smirking with the boys’ antics.

“We need to choose a name and a song,” Harry reminded them.

“We could go to mine,” Louis suggested. “My mum is working and I have to take care of the babies.”

“Okay, let’s go there,” Harry agreed easily.

“Where do you live?” Liam asked.

“I live close to the graveyard,” Louis said, a bit of a challenge in his voice.

“No problem,” Liam said, shrugging. “Let’s go there.”

Liam agreed to go, but he was wary. Even though he was born and raised in that town, he felt like he was the new kid. Well, in that group, he was. Niall was new in the town, sure, but from what Liam saw, he was friends with the others already.

Louis went to his car with the others and Liam said, “I’ll meet you guys there. I came with my bike.”

“Nah, mate. I’ll bring you back here for it later. I’ll have to bring Zayn too,” Louis said, entering the car. Zayn was already inside the car, riding shotgun.

“Yeah, Liam. C’mon,” Harry insisted.

“Okay.” Liam nodded and entered the car. Niall was sat behind Louis, Harry was in the middle and Liam sat behind Zayn.

Louis turned the key and a loud, rattling noise was heard before the engine finally came to life. It was an old, rusty car, but it worked. Liam recognized it as the old funeral car that was turned into a green mini-van. It was a bit weird to be inside a car that transported dead people. It’s wasn’t scary exactly, just― very, very weird.

Zayn turned on the radio, and the boys chatted around animatedly. Liam was listening to them, smiling at Harry from time to time, because he always turned to him to make sure he was part of the conversation, even though he wasn’t really talking.

Zayn twisted his body to pick up his cigarette pack from the back pocket of his pants, and Liam saw a tattoo on the top of his spine. He couldn’t see it completely, but it looked like a bird. Liam got curious to see it completely, but kept quiet, because it wasn’t polite. He got a strange urge to touch it, though. So, he held his hands between his legs to stop himself.

Liam had saw some small tattoos on Zayn before,  a bird on his hand, a stylized hand with crossed fingers on an arm and a yin yang on the other… _Does he have more?_ Liam asked himself, his fingers itching to touch, to know how Zayn’s tattooed skin felt like.

Zayn lit his cigarette and puffed the smoke outside the window, passing it to Louis after the first drag. They shared the cigarette between them until Zayn snubbed it in the sole of his boot and pocketed the butt of the cigarette.

Once they got at Louis’ home, he pointed to the basement door. “You guys go down there. I’ll get everything ready for the girls.”

The other boys seemed very comfortable at Louis’ home, going down to the basement without a fuss. Liam followed them, looking at the decorations around the house discreetly. There was a lot of pictures of the family and toys spread around, but the house looked like it belonged to a normal family. Not that Louis’s family was abnormal, it was more about their line of work that was a bit― _unusual,_  Liam thought. But it wasn’t an unorthodox house. Not at all.

When they got in the basement, Liam realized it was Louis’ bedroom. It looked like a normal teenager bedroom too, with a bed, a desk, a closet and a stand with some video games consoles. Liam chastised himself for being silly. Of course it would be a normal bedroom, what was he expecting? A coffin in the place of the bed?

Harry dropped on the bed, spreading himself wide; Niall went to the desk chair, wheeling around on it. Zayn went to the window and opened it, sitting on the windowsill. Liam felt awkward, not knowing what to do and where to go. He looked around once more and decided to sit on the floor. He dropped his backpack and sat with his back leaning on the wall close to the desk.

“What you did there, at the theatre, it was impressive, Liam,” Harry said, turning his head to look at him.

“Thanks,” Liam said, ducking his head. “You did very well too.”

“Thanks.” Harry smiled a dimpled smile at him, his face lighting up with it.

“No problem.” Liam smiled, and changed the subject, “And now, we have to choose a song and a name.”

“Yep,” Niall said. “About the song, what you guys think about some boy band classic?”

“Let’s wait for Louis,” Harry said. Clearly, he didn’t want to leave Louis out of it.

Niall shrugged, going back to his wheeling around. Zayn was watching them silently, his face relaxed, but serious. He caught Liam’s eye and raised an eyebrow at him. Liam blushed, gave the smallest of smiles and turned away. He pulled his phone from his pocket and started to fuss with it.

“We should get our numbers,” Harry said, pulling his own phone from his pocket. “I don’t have Liam’s.”

“Oh, okay.” Liam nodded. “I should have yours too,” he said, giving his phone for Harry to put his number.

“Don’t give your phone to Louis, if you don’t want something weird on your social media,” Zayn said, from the window.

“Uh, okay.” Liam frowned a bit while Harry tapped his number on Liam’s phone.

“What’s your number?” Zayn asked, pulling his own phone from his pocket.

Liam told his number and Niall saved it too. Then, Zayn and Niall told theirs, and Liam saved both.

They heard some commotion from upstairs, the sound of running footsteps and things being dropped on the floor. Soon, they could hear Louis’ shouts and the squeals of small children. Some minutes later, Louis went downstairs, followed by two girls. He pulled a rug and a low folding table from under his bed and picked up a box from his closet. Liam observed him talking softly to the two girls, spreading the rug and fixing their table with paper and crayons on it. He turned on the telly and put on some cartoons channel.

The girls didn’t mind their presence there. Liam guessed they were used to have a lot of people around, so they didn’t care. They sat on the rug, their backs turned to the boys, and started to draw while watching cartoons.

“Okay, boys, let’s do it,” Louis said, pushing Harry’s legs out of his way and sitting on the bed.

“We exchanged numbers with Liam,” Harry said. “It will be easier for us to communicate.”

“Sure, gimme your phone so I can put my number,” Louis said, extending his hand to Liam.

Liam looked at Zayn, not knowing how to act.

“I already told him to not give his phone to you, Louis,” Zayn said, calmly.

“Zayn is a liar that fucking lies, Liam. Don’t mind him, you can give me your phone,” Louis said, rolling his eyes.

Liam was feeling awkward, but he pulled his phone from his pocket. Harry raised his eyebrows, looking amused and expectant.

“You can tell me your number from there,” Liam said, making all the boys, even Louis, laugh.

“I can’t believe you trust Zayn and not me, Liam,” Louis said, mock offended.

“Well, he stopped three jocks from beating me to a pulp, so… Sorry for choosing to trust his advice,” Liam said, a small smile on his lips.

“What?” Louis turned towards Zayn. “You stopped him from getting beaten up? How was that?”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Harry asked.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Zayn said. “I just pretended that I filmed them threatening Liam and that I sent the video to my cloud, so it wouldn’t matter if they destroyed my phone.”

“You pretended?” Liam asked, shocked. The other three doubled over from laughter.

“Yeah,” Zayn answered, smirking.

“Oh… Well, thanks, anyway,” Liam said, laughing a bit.

“You’re welcome,” Zayn said, pointing and nodding at him. “It was really fun to trick them.” He winked.

“I’m sure it was,” Louis said, still laughing. “So you have a loyalty bond with Liam. I’m jealous.”

“F off, Louis,” Zayn said, rolling his eyes. Liam guessed he censored the swear word because of the girls.

Louis just laughed more.

“We have to choose the name of the group,” Liam reminded them.

“How about ‘The Rogues’?” Louis suggested. Zayn and Harry made faces immediately. Liam was thoughtful and Niall was shaking his head.

“How about we make a brainstorm and then we pick the top five and vote?” Harry suggested.

“Sounds good to me,” Liam said.

Let’s do it,” Louis said, and they got to it.

Thirty minutes later, they couldn’t agree in a top 5, not even a top 10.

“This isn’t gonna work,” Louis said, crumpling up the paper in which he had wrote his suggestions.

“Maybe we can choose the song first?” Liam said.

“But no brainstorming!” Louis said, looking at Harry pointedly.

“Heeey,” Harry complained, but didn’t press the subject.

They started to list songs, and, fortunately, it was easier than the name for the band. They chose Torn.

“The song isn’t originally Natalie Imbruglia’s,” Zayn had said, when Louis suggested it. “Natalie only made a cover of it.” Liam noticed that Zayn almost didn’t talk while the other boys were talking, so, it was nice to hear him.

“It isn’t hers?” Harry asked, surprised.

“It isn’t. It’s Danish,” Zayn explained.

“Ooh, nice,” Niall said, making an impressed face.

“Oh yeah, if our Zaynie here isn’t a walking thesaurus,” Louis said, throwing a small ball of paper at Zayn.

Zayn didn’t even flinch, letting the ball hit his knee and fall on the floor.

“We already have a song. We can choose the name tomorrow, yeah?” Zayn said, getting up. “I have to go.”

“You have to go already?” one of the girls said, and Liam was reminded that they were there all the while. They were so entertained with the colouring and the cartoons that they kept quiet all this time.

“Yeah, darling,” Zayn said, his voice sounding soft and caring.

“Could you draw a princess for me before you go?” she asked.

“Of course, babe,” Zayn said. He jumped from the windowsill and kneeled close to the table the girls were using.

“I want one too, Zee!” the other girl said.

“I’ll do it, darling. Gimme a minute.” Zayn picked up a crayon and started to doodle on a paper. His hands were slender, with long fingers that looked a bit delicate, but Liam doubted they were fragile. His face was concentrated on the paper, and Liam noticed that he had really long eyelashes.

Once he finished, he showed the Cinderella he had drawn to the first girl, making her squeal, delighted. The drawing was quite nice, actually. Zayn drew really well.

“Here, babe, you can colour it,” Zayn said, sliding the paper to her ― and Liam should ask their names later. Then, Zayn made another drawing, this time Bella, and gave it to the other girl.

“All done, loves. Now I gotta go,” he said, getting up.

“Thanks, Zee,” the girls said together, with big smiles on their faces.

“I have to wait mum come back to take you there, Zayn,” Louis said.

“No problem, bro, I can walk. It’s not that far,” Zayn said, dismissing Louis' ride.

Liam got up in an impulse. “I’m going with you. We won’t work anymore today, anyway, and I have to study.”

“Mum will come home in forty-five minutes. I can take you both then,” Louis insisted.

“Nah, man, it’s okay,” Zayn assured him.

“Yeah. I actually like to walk,” Liam said. It wasn’t a lie. He used the bike just to arrive sooner at school in the mornings. “But thanks, Louis. Bye, guys.” He waved timidly at them. “And bye, girls,” he said and the girls looked at him, a bit surprised. Liam was bemused by their reaction. Sure they noticed he was there before?

“Who are you?” one of them asked.

“This is Liam, Phoebe. Liam, this are Phoebe and Daisy,” Louis said, in a pompous manner, making the girls giggle.

“Nice to meet you, princesses,” Liam said, in a pompous manner too, bowing to the girls. They giggled some more and he waved at him. “Bye.”

“Bye, Liam!” The girls answered, and he turned to leave, only to see Zayn looking at him with a smirk on his lips. Before he could ask, Zayn turned around, going up the stairs.

Liam followed him, frowning a bit.

When they were outside the house, Zayn said, “You’re good with kids.”

“Er… Am I?” Liam asked, doubtful. He didn’t do anything.

“Yeah, you are,” Zayn answered, calmly. “They’re probably impressed because you acknowledged them."

"How come?" Liam was confused.

"You said bye to them. People usually ignore small children."

“Oh. Yeah.” Liam frowned a bit. He never thought about that, but it was true. “You’re good with them too,” he said.

“I’m used to them.” Zayn shrugged. He picked up a cigarette from his pack and lit it.

Liam wanted to say that it wasn’t good to his voice, but he was sure Zayn already knew that. And they weren’t close enough for something like that.

“You didn’t tell your friends about that day,” Liam said, looking at the ground.

“It wasn’t my place to tell,” Zayn said, smoke puffing from his lips with each word.

Liam nodded, understanding. They walked quietly for some time, Liam remembering the auditions that happened earlier that day.

“Your voice is awesome,” he said, and Zayn looked at him, raising his eyebrows a bit. “I mean, you sing so well, and your voice itself, it’s― It sounds really good. I mean, you sounded really good.” Liam got flustered and stopped talking.

He didn’t have to look at Zayn to know he was smirking.

“You sounded like an angel,” Zayn said, and Liam’s head snapped up to his face.

“What―” He almost choked, his face bright red. “I mean, thanks.” Liam wasn’t expecting that. He expected some arrogance, or maybe a dismissive acknowledgment, but, even though Zayn looked a bit teasing before, he didn’t look teasing now. “Thanks.” Liam said again and Zayn nodded, a small grin decorating his face.

The rest of the way they made in silence, Liam feeling a bit flustered still, not knowing how to initiate conversation with Zayn. Liam’s stomach fluttered every time he thought about Zayn saying he sounded like an angel. It was the best compliment he received in his whole life.

 

_My church offers no absolutes_

 

The next day, the History class was twenty minutes in, when Zayn entered the classroom. He dropped on a chair at the back of the class, and leaned his head on the table in front of him. He stayed that way until the class ended.

Zayn woke up when the bell rang, and he got up, stretching. The professor sent a dirty look his way, but he ignored it. He picked up his things, looked up and nodded at Liam with a small smile, before leaving the classroom.

At lunchtime, Liam was sat alone at the far corner of the canteen, with a Batman comic book opened by the side of his tray, as usual. He was turning the pages while he ate, concentrated on his reading, when someone dropped on the chair by his side. Liam jumped and looked up, his back curving in a defensive posture. It was Louis, followed by Harry, Zayn and Niall.

“Hi, Liam, relax. We won’t punch you,” Louis said. “I mean, we will only if you deserve it.” He wiggled his eyebrows and started to eat.

Liam looked around, bemused with this new development. The other boys sat at the table and started to eat, unconcerned.

“We need to choose the name of the band,” Niall said as an explanation, with his mouth full.

“Is this Batman?” Zayn asked, pointing to Liam’s comic book.

“Yeah,” Liam answered, closing the comic book and wanting to protect it instinctively. 

“Sick, mate. Do you mind me taking a look at it?” Zayn asked.

“No, go ahead,” Liam said, a bit wary, but pushing the comic book closer to Zayn.

“Thanks, mate,” Zayn smiled and picked it up, leafing through it.

“Do you like Batman?” Liam asked.

“Yeah. I like other comics too,” Zayn answered, without raising his head from the comic book.

“Me too,” Liam said, smiling. He was glad to finally know someone who liked comic books as well.

He looked at Zayn’s hand touching his comic book, and felt a bit weird inside. It was stupid, really. It wasn’t like he had any chance with Zayn, but he couldn’t deny his crush. Not to himself.

Liam knew he was gay since he was eleven years old, and he had his first conscious stiffy watching a video of Justin Timberlake singing and dancing. He didn’t tell anyone about that until he was fifteen and kissed a boy in Los Angeles.

He went there with his family in the summer, like they always did, and met Ezra. He was nice and hot, different from the boys from home. They snogged sometimes through the vacations, and, when Liam came back home, he told his parents. His mom cried a lot, explaining that she wasn’t crying because he was gay, but because he would suffer for it. That was when his dad took him to boxing lessons.

“You have to learn to defend yourself, son,” his dad said, and Liam agreed.

If it wasn’t for it, Liam would still be beaten at school every day. They still called him a faggot, but he had learnt to ignore them. Or learnt to pretend to ignore them, at least.

Liam lost himself looking at Zayn leafing through his comic book, his mind wandering, until Zayn’s eyes snapped up and caught him staring. Zayn raised his eyebrows and Liam raked his brain to say something.

“You slept in class today,” was the best he could think.

“Yeah, we were busy at night,” Zayn said.

“Yep. Ms. Carlton died,” Louis said.

“You mean, Ms. Carlton, the florist?” Liam asked and Louis nodded. “Wasn’t she too young to die?”

“In my family business, you learn that to die you only need to be alive,” Louis said, shrugging.

“Er, I guess,” Liam mumbled, looking at his plate.

“You get used to it and stop taking it so seriously,” Louis said.

“That’s why you were laughing at my uncle’s funeral?” Liam blurted, a bit nervously.

“Nope. We’re laughing about something else. We just didn’t care enough to respect your uncle’s funeral and laugh somewhere else,” Louis said, not a bit repentant.

“We laughed because he was a mighty prick in life, and his wife is a distasteful person I wish I had never worked for,” Zayn added.

“Yeah, that.” Louis pointed at Zayn, agreeing.

Liam frowned. He didn’t know how to feel about that. He knew that what the boys were saying was true, but it felt wrong to disrespect a deceased person.

“Are you bothered because he was your uncle, or because we disrespected a dead person?” Zayn asked, looking at him.

“I―” Liam started to answer, but stopped. He wasn’t sure.

“We don’t respect a dead that didn’t respect us while alive,” Zayn explained. “And we’re not obligated to. It’s not because he’s dead that we owe him any respect. We could try to respect his wife’s pain, but she doesn’t deserve our respect either.”

“And about your uncle, I have only one thing to say: good riddance,” Louis said, raising his cup like he was making a toast.

Liam bit his lower lip, but didn’t answer. It was against everything he ever learnt in life. But, even though he frowned, he didn’t think they were wrong exactly.

“It’s not because he is dead that we have to respect him. If I don’t respect someone while they’re alive, I sure as hell won’t respect them after they die,” Zayn added, and went back to read the comic.

And that, well, that made a lot of sense.

 

_We were born sick, you heard them say it_

 

That day, they went back to Louis' home to try to choose the name of the group. After thirty minutes without progress, Louis said, “This is too boring, and we’re not progressing. We can try again tomorrow.” And started a FIFA tournament.

Liam learnt some things that day. One of them was that Louis was very competitive. Another one was that he was very competitive as well, and that he and Louis playing could turn into something very loud. He learnt that Zayn didn’t mind losing ― at least not at FIFA. He learnt that Harry was awful at it and that Niall preferred to eat and cheer from the bed.

He went back to school walking with Zayn again. This time they talked about comic books, which ones were their favourites, the movies, the better adaptations and such.

They were close to the school when a car passed slowly by them.

“Hey, faggots!” David shouted from the driver seat, his friends laughing obnoxiously with him. Liam flinched, but Zayn didn’t even blink. “What are you faggots doing at this hour in the school uniform?”

Liam’s heart started to beat fast, and he looked around nervously, looking for an escape route. Zayn kept ignoring them, talking with Liam about Batman like there wasn’t a group of bullies offending them in a car.

Fortunately, David and his friends got bored quickly and went away, the tyres screeching at their wake. Liam breathed relieved, and looked at Zayn.

“I’m sorry,” he said, looking down.

“What you’re sorry for? You didn’t do anything,” Zayn asked, frowning.

“Well, they’re calling you faggot because of me.”

“No, they’re calling us faggots because of them,” Zayn said, his face serious. “Because they want to hurt us, and they think offending is the easier way. We didn’t do anything for them to call us names. But I don’t give a fuck. They can call me anything, as long as they don’t touch me and don’t step on my way, I don’t give a fuck.”

“I wish I was more like you,” Liam mumbled.

“You don’t need to be like me,” Zayn said, looking at him. “You just need to understand that they hurt you because they’re stupid assholes, not because you have something wrong. They don’t know you, and even if they did, nobody has the right to treat anyone that way.”

“Yeah, they don’t have the right, but―” Liam swallowed hard, trying to say what he needed to say. “But they’re right in some of the things they say about me.”

“They’re not,” Zayn said, with finality.

“But they are,” Liam insisted. “I’m a faggot, Zayn.” There. He told him. And he regretted already. Why was he telling that to a person he wasn’t even close?

“So? You like dick. That doesn’t give them the right to use it as an offense. Being gay isn’t offensive. You shouldn’t be ashamed of that.”

“I’m not ashamed,” Liam said.

“You’re not?”

“I’m not. Really. I don’t think it’s something I should change,” Liam answered.

“Well, I’m glad, ‘cause you can’t change that,” Zayn said, smirking.

“Yeah, I know,” Liam agreed, smiling. “It’s not that I think something’s wrong with me… It’s just― Society is all wrong, and sometimes I think that if I was different it would be easier for me.”

“Maybe so.” Zayn shrugged. “But you’re not different. You’re you, and there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Thanks,” Liam said, smiling.

“It’s just the truth.” Zayn shrugged again.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t freak out about me being gay,” Liam admitted.

“I couldn’t be upset, because I’m pan,” Zayn said.

“What?”

“Let’s say that when I like someone, I don't mind their gender,” he explained.

“You’re like, bi?” Liam asked.

“No, I’m like pan. Bi like two genders. I like any gender,” Zayn said, raising an eyebrow.

Liam was glad he had read once about gender and knew that there were people that identified themselves in a lot of ways, not only male or female. If he hadn’t read about that, he would made a bigger ass of himself right now.

“That’s nice, though,” was what he said.

“Yeah, I think it’s nice too.” Zayn picked up his cigarette pack, lit one and took the first drag. “You know, they keep hurting you because they think you’re fragile, vulnerable. And they’re trying to hurt me because they forgot I’m not fragile.” He looked at Liam with a mischievous smile on his face. “I think I have to remember them.”

That night, when Liam got home, he couldn’t sleep, thinking about Zayn liking all genders. He knew he had no chance whatsoever, but it was nice to know. He was so glad Zayn joined the Glee club. If he didn’t, Liam wouldn’t have the chance to know him a bit more and see how great he was.

 

_No masters or kings when the ritual begins_

 

The next day, they didn’t even try to choose a name to the band. They decided to choose one with Mr. Cowell’s help the next day. Louis pulled them into another FIFA tournament quickly. What Liam didn’t know exactly was why they called him there if they weren’t planning to work on the Glee club.

The twins were upstairs with Lottie, so they were freer with their language. As in, they were swearing like sailors.

From time to time, Liam looked at Zayn. It was like a magnet was pulling his eyes towards the other boy. Sometimes, Zayn caught his staring, and smiled at him. Every time he smiled at him, Liam felt a flutter in his stomach.

Zayn and Harry were in the middle of a game, when Louis’ phone went off on the bed.

“Hey, mum,” Louis answered the call, with a frown. “Oh, yeah? Okay.” He listened for a bit, and then he said, “Will we need Zayn? 'Kay. See you.” He looked up after finishing the call. “Z, mum needs us.”

“I was close to win!” Harry whined.

“No, you weren’t,” Zayn said, mocking him. “Can I borrow some clothes?” he asked Louis.

“Sure, mate,” Louis said, only now taking off his uniform. Zayn took off his clothes too, unbothered by the others there. Even though Liam wanted to know if Zayn had more tattoos, he didn’t look. He didn’t want the boys thinking he was a freak because he was ogling at Zayn taking his clothes off.

“What happened?” Liam asked, trying to distract himself from a half-naked Zayn.

“Mr. Donovan died in a car crash,” Louis answered.

“No shit,” Harry mumbled.

“Yeah. We’re going to get Mr. Donovan’s body ready and then we have to dig his grave,” Louis completed.

“Well, damn. Can I go?” Niall asked.

“Sure, man. Probably mum won’t let you guys get close to the body if it’s too ugly, but you can hang in there,” Louis said.

“It’s a shame. I wanted to see the body,” Niall complained.

“If the body isn’t available for you to see, you can find some ugly shit on internet, if you want,” Zayn said, teasing, and Niall threw a chip at him.

Louis and Zayn put on jeans and t-shirts, and went up the stairs to the kitchen, the other boys following.

“You coming, Liam?” Zayn asked, looking at him.

“I dunno, my mum gets worried if I don’t come home for dinner,” Liam said, doubtful.

“You can say you’re with us,” Harry suggested.

“I don’t think that’ll ease her worries, Harold,” Louis said, teasing.

Liam bit his lower lip, thinking on how to ease his mom’s worries without telling a lie. He couldn’t tell her he was going to take a look at Mr. Donovan’s dead body while Louis and Zayn got it ready to be buried. It wasn’t something exactly wrong, a bit amoral, maybe, but not strictly wrong. Regardless of their motivation, which wasn’t the most noble anyway, he knew his mom wouldn’t be thrilled with him close to a deceased person.

“Tell her you’re with friends. If she ask where you’re at, you say you’re gonna get dinner with the Glee club,” Zayn said, shouldering a jean jacket, Louis doing the same.

Liam didn’t want to assume they were friends yet, because he didn’t want to impose ― and because he didn’t know how friendships worked, actually. So, he couldn’t say if what he had with the boys was friendship or not. But it was really nice to hear Zayn say they were friends.

“I’ll try that,” Liam said, smiling and picking up his phone to call his mom. She answered it on the second ring. “Hey, mum. I’m calling to let you know I’m gonna get dinner with the guys from the Glee club. Remember I told you about the rehearsals?”

“Oh, you’re hanging out with friends?” Karen asked, sounding ecstatic.

“Yeah,” Liam answered, looking at the ground.

“That’s great, love. Just remember that it’s a weeknight and don’t come back home late.”

“Sure, mum,” Liam said, smiling.

“Enjoy your time. Bye,” she said as a goodbye.

“It was easier than I thought,” Liam said, once he pocketed his phone.

“Great. Let’s go then,” Louis said, and they left the house to the cemetery nearby.

As soon as they entered the cemetery office, Louis asked to his mom, “Is he too ugly?”

“Not really, no,” Jay answered, fixing some documents.

“Great! C’mon, boys, come see some death,” Louis called the boys over to the room in which Mr. Donovan's body was waiting for preparation.

“It’s not a horror show, Louis,” Jay reprimanded, rolling her eyes. Louis kissed her cheek and ushered the boys inside the room anyway.

The first thing Liam noticed was that the room was freezing. _That’s why they're wearing jackets_ , he thought. He hugged himself, looking around. There was a cabinet, a sink and a long counter, all in stainless steel. In the middle of the room, close to the cabinet, was a metal bed with Mr. Donovan body on it, covered with a white sheet. Liam kept himself close to the wall, out of the way of Louis and Zayn.

Niall was already close to the body, raising his hand to touch. Louis slapped his hand to stop him.

“First rule: don’t touch anything,” Louis said, putting an apron on.

“Second rule: don’t talk about anything you see in here to anyone. You weren't suppose to be here,” Zayn added, with his apron on already, going to the sink to wash his hands. After it, he put plastic sleeves to protect his arms and surgical gloves.

“What you’re gonna do with him?” Niall asked.

Louis went to wash his hands when Zayn finished. Zayn went to the corpse, to uncover his upper body. Mr. Donovan wasn’t so bad, to be honest. His face had some bruises, his eyes were a bit sunken in and his skin had a greyish tint, but wasn’t scary. It was just ― very weird.

“First, we’re gonna open his abdomen, and remove his bowels,” Louis started to say, while he dried his hands.

Niall gasped and Liam opened his eyes wide, looking at the body, apprehensive.

“He’s lying,” Zayn said, calmly.

Harry, who looked like he was used to these procedures, was holding his laughter.

“Don’t be a dick, Tommo,” Niall said, kicking Louis’ shin.

“Hey, hey, hey. No shenanigans in the dead’s room,” Louis said, sounding very professional.

Niall sputtered a laugh, kicking him again. Louis flipped him off and put his gloves, coming close to Zayn.

“Did his clothes arrive yet?” Zayn asked.

“Not yet,” Louis answered. “But mum already cleaned and disinfected him.”

“Good.” Zayn nodded, and they turned Mr. Donovan’s body to the side in a practiced movement.

“Shit, it was the back,” Louis said.

“What? How?” Niall asked, going to Louis’ side to see. Liam stood where he was, he wasn’t that curious.

“Spine broken,” Louis explained.

“Oh, shit,” Niall made a face, looking at the body’s back. “Well, it’s not _that_ ugly. Just weird.”

“Yep,” Louis said, and started to knead the neck and the arm of the deceased body.

“What you’re doing?” Niall asked, curious.

“We’ve to make his arms, neck and legs muscles relax, so we can put his clothes on,” Louis explained.

Zayn picked up a shaver and started to shave Mr. Donovan’s face.

“The hair keep growing after the death?” Niall asked, curious again.

“I dunno,” Zayn answered, shrugging. “But we have to shave his facial hair, minus eyebrows, eyelashes and beard if he used one before passing. It helps to apply makeup.”

“Oh. Weird,” Niall mumbled. Liam could only agree, watching Zayn shave even Mr. Donovan’s forehead.

Zayn used a special shaver to shave inside Mr. Donovan’s nostrils, and Liam made a face.

“That’s really, really weird,” Niall said again.

“Yeah,” Harry talked for the first time since they entered the room. “It’s a very interesting procedure.”

Niall looked at him like he couldn’t believe what he was listening. Zayn laughed softly and helped Louis to turn the body to the other side so Louis could knead the muscles of the other arm and leg, while Zayn shaved the other side of his face. Liam noticed that the boys were careful to not expose the private bits of Mr. Donovan’s body, which was quite nice, honestly.

A knock on the door made Niall jump and back away from the body. It was Jay, bringing Mr. Donovan clothes.

“Here are the clothes,” she said, putting them folded over the counter. “I already did his mouth. Can you put makeup on his face and hands, Zayn?” she asked.

“Sure, Jay,” Zayn answered, concentrated in removing all the hair from his ear.

“Okay, I’ll be back with the coffin soon,” she said and left.

“‘Kay,” Louis said, finally stopping the kneading.

“What she meant with doing his mouth?” Niall asked.

“She meant sewing his gums to stop his mouth from opening,” Louis answered.

Niall looked alarmed at Zayn, but he nodded. “He isn’t lying this time. You have to do that with the mouth and then you have to glue his eyelids, so they won’t open.”

“They can open? But―” Niall was flabbergasted.

“It’s normal, like. The body is in decomposition, yeah, so it may shrink or swell in some places, the muscles contract…” He pointed at Louis, acknowledging what he was doing previously. “So, the eyes and mouth can open.”

“Oh, it’s like, involuntary?” Niall asked.

“Yeah. Just the body starting to rot,” Louis said.

“It’s the irony of life,” Harry said.

“And we’re the ones that deal with it,” Louis said, picking up the clothes.

After that, they kept quiet, just watching. Zayn put tampons under the eyelids of the body and glued them. Then, Louis asked the boys to leave the room for a bit, while they dressed Mr. Donovan’s body. When they came back, Zayn was with a brush, putting makeup on Mr. Donovan’s hand. After it, he went to put makeup on his face.

It was the most weird experience of Liam’s entire life.

 

_Knows everybody’s disapproval_

 

After the body was ready, Louis and Zayn put him in the coffin Jay had brought. They rolled the coffin to the funeral room and covered the body with a veil, putting flowers over him.

Louis, Harry and Niall left to pick up the digging tools, leaving only Zayn and Liam in the room. Zayn was giving the final touches on the flowers surrounding the body, and Liam was watching him. His hands were precise and gentle, laying the flowers in a pretty way.

“Isn’t it, like… You know, weird?” Liam asked, looking to the beautiful, yet creepy, bouquet. Nothing made something so pure look so bittersweet than see it in a coffin.

“You mean, working with the dead?” Zayn asked, and Liam nodded. “Nah, man. The dead are ok. They can’t annoy you. They stink, sometimes, but that’s what the flowers are for,” Zayn said and Liam nodded, still looking at the bouquet. Zayn laughed and Liam looked at his face. “I was joking. There’s no flower able to cover the stink of a putrid body.”

Liam scrunched his nose, and said, “That’s rank.”

“Tell me about it,” Zayn said, nodding.

“Why do you work doing this?” Liam asked.

“Why not?” Zayn asked back, smirking.

“I mean―” Liam licked his lips, afraid that he had offended Zayn unintentionally. “There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just a bit unusual.”

“Well, I was in the city. Jay needed help, so I offered myself to the job.” Zayn shrugged. “There’s no deep meaning on it. I could say it’s because I like the quiet, but, have you known Louis?” He chuckled and Liam nodded, smiling. “It’s just a job,” he said, taking off his school shoes and putting on working boots. “Let’s go.”

Zayn guided Liam to the cemetery ground, where Louis had already marked the place where they would dig the grave. There was a mantle on the ground by the side of the mark, where they would put the material dug up.

When they got there, Zayn and Louis grabbed shovels, starting to dig the grave.

“Do you guys want any help?” Liam offered.

“We do!” Louis said.

“We don’t,” Zayn cut in, firmly, and looked at Liam. “It doesn’t look like, but we’re paid to do this shit.”

“Hey, we could use some help!” Louis complained.

“Shut up,” Zayn said, good-naturedly, pushing the shovel in the ground with the aid of his foot.

Liam shrugged and settled down to watch them. It was entrancing to look at them working. Soon, Louis and Zayn were sweating and discarding their jean jackets. Zayn rolled up the sleeves of his t-shirt and Liam could see the muscles of his arms flexing with his movements.

It was in that moment that Liam believed what Zayn had said about himself: he wasn’t fragile. His muscles were slender, but solid, lifting heavy shovels full of soil to the side in practised movements.

Zayn and Louis paused to eat something for dinner, and went back to work with the other boys watching them and chatting. When they finished, the sun was low in the horizon.

“I’m gonna take my shower first, ‘kay, Zaynie?” Louis asked, while they put the tools on their places.

“Sure, man.” Zayn shrugged and sat on the ground, picking a cigarette from his pack and lighting it.

Niall was roaming the cemetery ‘exploring’, as he said. Harry was sat close to Zayn, fussing with his phone. Liam was sat as well, looking at the graveyard landscape. The tombstones and crosses in stark white contrasting with the green grass made a beautiful, if melancholic, view.

“My dad wants to know where I am,” Harry said, still tapping on his phone.

“Tell him you’re with the dead,” Niall said from where he was, a bit away from them.

Zayn snorted a laugh, puffing smoke from his lips with it.

“Should I tell him I’m with the bad boys of the school, the infamous gravediggers?” Harry said, in a teasing tone.

“If you don’t mind lying, go for it,” Zayn said, smirking.

“Aw, but you are such a bad boy, Zaynie. With your cigarettes and your smoulder,” Harry said, with a hand over his heart.

“The cigarettes mean I’m an addict, and the smoulder is a squint in reality, which means I need some glasses,” Zayn said, chuckling.

“But your tattoos? You work with the dead!” Harry said, gesturing around dramatically.

“Fuck off,” Zayn said, laughing. “If you make me choke with smoke I’ll put the cigarette off on your forehead.”

“See? You’re threatening,” Harry added, laughing and getting up.

“Idiot.” Zayn rolled his eyes, but couldn’t keep a small smile from his lips.

“Girls and boys line up to be fucked by you!” Harry said, flailing his hands.

Zayn laughed, his body bending with the force of it. “Sure they do. That’s why my last girlfriend dumped me. Too much competition.”

“Exactly. She couldn’t take the competition and quit.” Harry nodded, mocking.

“Fuck _off_ ,” Zayn mumbled again, still chuckling.

Liam observed the interaction with a fond smile on his lips.

“I’m gonna have a wee,” Harry announced and went to the cemetery office.

They stayed some moments in silence, until Liam broke it.

“It’s ridiculous that people think you’re a bad boy because of what Harry said,” he said, hugging his legs and resting his chin on his knees.

“There’s more to that than what Harry said, but what can I do? People are stupid,” Zayn said, squinting his eyes to the sun.

“That’s true,” Liam agreed. He wanted to ask what he was talking about, but he didn’t. He knew what people called Zayn behind his back. The words _terrorist_ and _dirty Paki_ floated to Liam’s memory. “And doesn’t matter what you do, people will keep thinking shit,” he added.

“Exactly. Why would I care what people think if they will always think the worst?” Zayn asked, looking at Liam with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah.” Liam nodded, debating with himself if he should ask about Zayn’s last girlfriend, and deciding to go with it. “What happened to your last girlfriend, though?”

“She thought I wasn’t good enough to take seriously. She was disappointed when she knew me for real. I guess the bad boy vibe is more appealing than the nerdy one,” Zayn said, puffing smoke to the side.

“This is bullshit,” Liam said.

“Yeah,” Zayn agreed. “People want to fuck and show off. They like to be loved, but they’re not as interested in loving someone else. But what can I say, I’m a sucker for love.” He raised an eyebrow, smirking.

Liam wasn’t sure if he was joking or not. Anyway, he didn’t know how to answer that, but he ducked his head and went with a dumb, “I like to love too.” Which he regretted as soon as it left his mouth.

Zayn chuckled and Liam looked up at him. It wasn’t a mean laugh.

“You know, people disregard our feelings because we’re young. It’s fucked up, innit?”

“Oh yeah, it is,” Liam said, pulling a thread of his pants. He knew intimately what it was to be discredited for being young and not knowing how life, _real life_ , was.

“It’s not because I didn’t find someone worth it yet that I don’t know how to love, you know? I’ve lived with a happy couple all my life. I know what a healthy relationship looks like.” Zayn puffed his smoke silently for some moments. Liam suspected he wasn’t finished, so he kept quiet. He was proven right when Zayn looked at the sky and said, “My parents met when they were teenagers. When they married, my mum was twenty-one. All my mum friends’ that married at the same time as she did are divorced now. It’s a bit sad, innit? Like, not the divorce on itself, but the love ending.”

Liam nodded. “Yeah, it’s sad.”

“I wanna have something like my parents have.”

“You mean you wanna marry young?” Liam asked, smiling softly.

“Not exactly. I wanna find love. I’ll never settle for anything less, and I’ll never quit looking for it.” Zayn inhaled a puff of smoke and looked at Liam. “And I will find it. Maybe in ten years I’ll change my mind, but, for now, I’m really hopeful.” He smiled sweetly, looking back at the sky.

Liam swallowed hard, looking at Zayn’s profile. He wanted to be that person. He didn’t want Zayn to wait ten years. He wanted to be that person now.

That night, Liam dreamt of dead bodies lined up to be cleaned, and opening their eyes when he walked by. Strangely, he wasn’t afraid.

 

_A lot of starving faithful_

 

Mr. Cowell wasn’t too impressed with them coming to rehearsals without a name to the group.

“At least you agreed in a song,” he said, pursing his lips. “I gave you the opportunity to choose your name and you wasted it. Now I’m gonna choose the name of the band and you’ll have no say in it,” he announced.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit of bloody unfair, Mr. Cowell?” Louis asked.

“Mind your language, Louis. And no, I don’t think so. I gave you the opportunity. You didn’t use it, so I take it back. Now, on your positions, let’s start,” Mr. Cowell said, dismissing Louis completely.

Louis stared at him angrily, but didn’t say anything more.

Mr. Cowell made all of them sing the song alone, and then said who would sing which part. Liam would start, because he was the one with better technique; Harry would do the bridge and Zayn would do the echo, because they had striking timbres; Niall and Liam would do the rest of the harmonizing and Louis would lip sync more than anything.

Louis left the rehearsal annoyed, to say the least.

“If he wanted me to lip sync, why he put me in the group?” he asked, angrily.

“That’s actually a good question that I would kill to have the answer,” Harry said, angry in his behalf.

“Do you think it’s because you said he was being unfair?” Niall asked.

“Probably,” Zayn answered, pulling a cigarette from his pack. “The fucker.”

Louis would take Niall and Harry to their homes, so they said goodbye at the parking lot. Zayn and Liam went to the bike rack to pick up their bikes.

They were unlocking their bikes, when Zayn asked, “What comic books do you have?”

Liam looked at him, smiling. “I have a bit of everything, and a Batman collection. I have X-Men number 1, though. It’s one of my prides,” he said.

“No shit. Can I see it?” Zayn asked, looking excited.

“Sure, man. We can go to mine whenever you want and you can check out my collection,” Liam offered.

“Sick, mate.” Zayn smile was so big, that Liam felt proud of himself. “We could go now?”

Liam shrugged. “Sure. Let’s go.”

They went to Liam’s home and two things happened:

1 - Watson fell in love with Zayn;

2 - Liam’s mom fell in love with him too.

Liam took Zayn to his bedroom and showed him his collection. They perused his comic books laid down on the floor, exchanging silly nerd jokes between themselves.

It was a bit sad that Liam took so much time to bring a friend to his home. Even though his mom said time and time again that it wasn't his fault that he didn't have friends, he couldn't help think it was his fault. Regardless of it, he was happy Zayn was the first to come there. The happy way he looked at the comic books, the way he shared the same passion with Liam made everything worth it. The wait didn’t feel so bad anymore.

“You can borrow them,” Liam offered, selflessly. He was so happy, that he wanted to keep that feeling close to his heart. He felt that having his comics with Zayn would do the trick.

“I’ll take care of them like one of my own sisters,” Zayn said, and Liam giggled.

 

_I should've worshipped her sooner_

 

The next day after classes, Liam was unlocking his bike to go home, when Zayn said, “So, Liam, do you wanna help me and the boys make David and his pals remember I’m not fragile?”

Liam’s head snapped up. “What? How?” he asked, excited and wary at the same time.

“Come with me to Tommo’s. We might need Watson.”

Liam frowned, bemused, but went with him.

Later that night, Liam was on the roof of an abandoned building, looking down at the alley by its side. It was close to where David and his friends used to smoke weed. Liam was feeling the adrenaline pumping in his veins, his heart beating fast and his breathing loud in his ears.

Zayn was down there, close to a metal barrel, fussing around it. Soon, he picked up his lighter and lit the contents of the barrel and the soft, dancing light of the flames illuminated his face. He stood with his back to the entrance of the alley, looking concentrated at the flames.

Liam waited a bit, and soon he could hear David and his friends’ voices. They were going to the alley, attracted by the fire. They stopped close to the entrance of the alley, probably bemused by the lone figure that didn’t look like a homeless person trying to get warm.

“Malik?” Jordan, one of David friends, asked when he noticed who was in the alley. “You’re a homeless now too?” he snickered and his other friends snickered in cue.

“You mean, am I a homeless too, besides being brown, Muslim and a fag?” Zayn asked, not turning back to them.

They frowned, looking between themselves.

“I don’t like your tone, Malik,” David said, taking a step closer to Zayn.

“ _I_ am the one that don’t like your tone,” Zayn said, coldly, without turning to face them.

“You fucking fag should know your place!” David shouted.

"You angry 'cause I'm not a hungry homeless you could manhandle?" Zayn turned to face them, but he was looking down. He put a cigarette on his mouth and lit it, taking a deep drag. “Who’s gonna show me my place? You and yours?” He was looking lazily at the cigarette between his fingers.

David and his friends moved as a unity, stepping towards Zayn, ready to ‘show him his place’. Before they took the second step, they fell to the ground in a pile of flailing limbs.

“The fuck was that?” David asked, being the first to recover and look at Zayn. The sound of barks coming from afar could be heard in the alley.

“Remember that I work for the dead,” Zayn said, smirking and raising his eyes. “I just wanted to let you know that I don’t walk alone.”

The boys on the floor gasped when they saw that his eyes were completely black. There wasn’t separation between iris and the white part of his ocular globe, it was all blackness.

A loud sound of thunder echoed in the alley, making them jump. The sound of barks getting closer startled them even more. They scrambled up at the same time two big, dark dogs appeared by Zayn's side in the alley. Zayn laughed, opening his eyes wide and showing fangs around his blackened ocular globes. The boys screamed and the dogs chased after them, barking and biting close to them.

As soon as they left the alley, Zayn doubled over, laughing. Liam laughed from the roof and went to the other side to see the bullies running for their lives, Watson and Rhino snapping at their heels. Once they were far away, Liam blowed the dog whistle to call the dogs back. He went down to the alley and found Louis, Harry and Niall already there, laughing like loons.

“Oh my god,” Louis held his stomach. “This was so fun. Fucking hell. We need to do this more often.”

“Yeah, we do,” Niall said, fallen on the floor from laughter.

“Let’s pick up everything and get out of here,” Liam said, giggling, attaching the leashes at the dogs’ collars.

The adrenaline was still pumping in his veins, but he preferred to be cautious. He never did something like that. It was exhilarating, but it was scary too.

Harry nodded, starting to roll up the string he used to make the boys trip and fall on the floor. Niall started to pick up his sound system, taking the hidden speakers from around the alley. When he said they were powerful, Liam didn’t imagine they were this good. Even him jumped at the sound of the thunder.

“Wait, let me take this shit off,” Zayn said, trying to take off the sclera contact lenses he was wearing. “This shit is awful, but was worth it.” He was smirking, looking smug.

“It was great that those dogs from the neighbourhood barked just before we let Watson and Rhino loose,” Louis said, still snickering.

It took some time for them to find the mouse and cockroach toys Louis spread in the alley to make the dogs wild. When they collected everything, Zayn insisted in walking Liam home. The dogs walked by their sides wiggling their tails happily.

When they got at Liam’s home, he turned to Zayn with a soft smile on his face. They had cooled down a bit, but Liam was still giddy from the adventure. He was feeling so glad for meeting the boys, especially Zayn.

“You know, I lost a lot of time not being your friend,” he admitted.

“You sure did.” Zayn winked with smirk, before he went home.

 

_That looks plenty_

 

Liam had some developments in his routine after he entered the Glee club. First, he was expected to go to Louis’ home after classes. The other boys didn’t say this in words, but they showed their bemusement when Liam picked up his bike and said his goodbyes one day. So, now he went with them when they got together at the end of the classes. That included lunchtime as well. It still was something new to Liam, having a group of friends. It didn’t work how he thought it would, really. He thought friends should have a lot in common, and almost never fight and well… He and Louis argued a lot, but Louis never kicked him out. That didn’t make much sense.

Second, there’s Zayn. Liam didn’t know how to process everything Zayn was and how he made him feel. If they were in the same room, Liam felt a need to get close to him. It wasn’t to chat, exactly. Or at least _not only_ to chat. It was more like ― orbiting.

It was getting so hard to hide it, though. It was even harder because Zayn was so nice to him… Thing was, Zayn was very protective with his friends, but, for Liam, being in the receiving end of that sentiment was mind blowing. And he craved that attention. He didn’t seek for it directly, but he was always around him. And Zayn, being the great person he was, he gave Liam the attention he longed for. Like at the rehearsals, for example, Zayn always looked at Liam like he was checking up on him.

Liam was sitting on the floor of the music classroom, waiting for the start of the rehearsal, so distracted by these thoughts, that he jumped when Mr. Cowell entered the room in a dramatic way.

“Good afternoon. Let’s start,” he said, and Liam got up, ready to sing.

At the end of the rehearsal, Mr. Cowell announced, “The name of the band will be One Direction.” And then he turned on his heels. He left the room without asking for their opinion.

“What a fucking dick,” Louis grumbled.

“Yeah,” Zayn agreeded, annoyed. “Let’s get out of here.”

Liam thought that, besides Mr. Cowell being his strict and rude self, they were doing well at rehearsals. Their voices harmonized in a nice way, Harry and Zayn killed at their vocals and Niall was great too, he just need a bit of work on his technique. Louis needed some work too. He had talent, but zero technique. But he was too angry to accept any help, though. So, Liam left him alone.

 

_This is hungry work_

 

Their first performance would be before the football match with the school from the other side of the town. Liam was excited and scared to the same extent. He could see the other boys were anxious too, trying to hide it, but without much success.

They were huddled in the girls’ locker room, trying to concentrate. Mr. Cowell looked at them up and down, nodding like he approved their choice of clothes.

“We rehearsed enough for today. Do like we practiced and you should do okay,” he said, in a tone that could be reassuring if his eyes weren’t so cold.

The boys looked among themselves and nodded, acknowledging what he said. Mr. Cowell nodded back, and turned on his heels, going to the bleachers to watch their performance.

“We can do this,” Liam mumbled to himself.

“Yeah, we can,” Louis said, taking a deep breath. “We’re gonna fuck this shit up. Show ‘em what we’re made of.” He jumped a bit, shaking his legs like was going to play football, not sing.

It wasn't a so strange move from Louis, because he used to be a part of the football team. He had lost his place in the team the year he dropped school, but they didn’t talk about that. Liam got the hint and never brought the subject up.

They perked up when the headteacher started to talk. He gave some warnings and made some announcements, and then, “We’re proud to present our Glee Club group, performing a song for us today. Give a round of applause for One Direction!” he said in a pompous voice, and Mr. Cowell’s assistant ushered them to the court.

There was some polite applause when the boys lined themselves in the middle of the court. Liam looked up to the bleachers and locked eyes with his mom, who was there to be his moral support. She was clapping excitedly and waving proudly at him. His mouth curved in a small smile and the sound of a guitar playing the first chords of Torn flowed through the place.

Liam took a deep breath, with his eyes still locked with his mom’s, and started to sing, “I thought I saw a girl brought to life.” His mom smiled, tearing up, and he closed his eyes, feeling the song. “She was warm, she came around, she was dignified. She showed me what it was to cry.”

A rush went through the public when Liam’s voice floated around the court, all the chat dwindling until it died down completely. But Liam wasn’t focusing on it, he was focusing on the boys voices harmonizing with his. When he opened his eyes, he looked back at his mom, his focus point in the public.

When they sung the chorus the first time, a beat of drums started, bringing an electric guitar and turning the song into a pop rock. The crowd cheered when Liam started the second part of the song with their shouts in the background.

He felt great, really great, for the first time in his life.

At the end of the song, Mr. Cowell actually smiled at them ― which was a bit scary ― clapping along with the crowd.

After the performance, everything was a blur. They were ushered from the court and were congratulated by Mr. Cowell. Liam's mom was there too, crying, squeezing him in a hug.

They didn’t watch the game, because Louis didn’t want to see ‘those losers ruining a great sport’. So, the boys went to Louis’ home.

Once they got there, they laid about in Louis’s bedroom. The twins were at a birthday party and the other girls were at some friends', Louis didn’t care where.

He brought down two packs of beers and locked the door. “So, boys, we have to celebrate!” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Yaaay!” Harry and Niall shouted, both of them jumping on the beers.

Liam frowned when Harry drowned a long swallow of beer. He was a minor yet, and Liam didn’t want trouble. If they stayed at home he guessed it would be okay.

“Lads?” Louis offered beers to Liam and Zayn.

“Nah, man. I don’t want it, thanks,” Zayn said, picking up a cigarette.

“What? Why?” Louis asked, bemused.

“I don’t want it, bro,” Zayn answered, blowing smoke to the side.

Louis rolled his eyes. “Liam?” he offered.

“Thanks, Louis, but I can’t drink,” Liam said, shyly.

“You can’t or you don’t want to?” Louis asked, raising an eyebrow. Zayn kicked his shin at that and Louis mumbled a “Fuck off.”

Liam giggled a bit, more used to Louis antics now. “I can’t. I have only one kidney,” he said.

To be quite honest, Liam _could_ drink. He only didn’t know how much he could drink before having trouble. And he never got drunk before. He was afraid of what he could do or say while drunk ― something stupid, that’s for sure.

“Only one kidney? What it has to do with drinking?” Louis asked.

“The beer is too much for only one kidney to filter,” Liam explained.

“Sounds like bullshit, but it’s your decision.” Louis shrugged and went to pull a shoebox from under his bed. There was a pair of boots inside the box. Louis picked one of them and took a balled sock from it. He straightened the sock and pulled a small bag from inside it. He went to his desk and opened a notebook, picking up some sheets of a very thin paper.

Liam frowned, observing what Louis was doing. He was a bit surprised when Louis opened the bag he took from the sock and dropped what he suspected was weed over one sheet of the paper. The other boys didn’t look bothered, though, so Liam kept quiet, only observing.

Louis rolled the blunt and asked for Zayn’s lighter. Louis lit it and took a long drag, passing it to Zayn. Liam noticed that Zayn licked his lips, took the joint, but passed it away to Harry, not even offering to Liam.

“You won’t get high as well?” Louis asked, sounding annoyed. “I thought we were celebrating.”

“We are celebrating. I just don’t wanna,” Zayn answered, shrugging.

“You’re no fun today,” Louis said, bitingly, picking up the blunt from Niall’s hand and turning to Liam. “And you’re no fun ever,” he said pointing at Liam and blowing smoke in his direction.

Liam frowned, scrunching up his nose at the smoke, but he didn’t answer. He was wary of the situation, worried because he didn’t know how was a drunk and high Louis. He was wondering if he wanted to know.

“Don’t be a dick, Lou,” Zayn said, looking unconcerned, which calmed Liam a bit.

Well, it wasn’t like Liam hadn’t suspected before, but now he had confirmation that Louis, Zayn and Harry smoked weed. _And Niall too,_  he added, looking at the Irish boy’s lips wrapped around the tip of the blunt.

Liam had felt great while he was singing with them, but now he was back at his permanent feeling of inadequacy. He didn’t think he was wrong for not smoking nor drinking, mind you. He just felt like he was the wrong person at the wrong place ― again. At least Zayn wasn’t smoking nor drinking this time. He hoped it was to keep him company.

 

_Take me to church_

 

“That’s why you didn’t drink, you fucker!” Louis accused, throwing a pillow at Zayn and pulling him into a play fight on the floor.

Zayn had suggested a Mario Kart tournament, and the boys agreed. Once they started to play, Liam felt a bit better, unwinding with the help of the jokes and happiness all around. Zayn had won the last run, and Louis was pissed.

Harry was passed out on Louis’ bed, sleeping the high and the drunkenness off. Niall was laughing uncontrollably, rolling around on the floor. Liam was laughing so hard that tears were welling up in his eyes.

It was a couple of hours later when Liam decided to go home. Louis was in no condition to drive and, to his credit, he didn’t even offer to take them home.

“Gimme your keys, Lou,” Zayn said, getting up when Liam announced he was heading home. “I’ll drive Liam home. Tomorrow I’ll bring your car back.”

“‘Kay,” Louis said, from the bed where he was cuddling with Harry. “It’s in the same place.”

Liam was a bit surprised by this interaction. Zayn didn’t ask for the key, he just said he would take him home. The most remarkable was that Louis didn’t even bat an eyelash, just let him.

“Thanks, Zayn, but you don’t have to. I can go walking. It’s okay, really,” Liam said, shouldering his backpack.

“Nah, man, it’s late. C’mon,” Zayn said, walking out of the room.

Well, Liam didn’t have much to do besides accept it. He waved at the other boys and followed Zayn to the car.

“I didn’t know you could drive,” Liam said, fastening the seatbelt.

“I have a licence, I just don’t have a car,” Zayn said, shrugging.

“Yeah, same.” Liam nodded and turned on the radio in a pop station.

Zayn frowned a bit when a pop song too silly for his liking started, but didn’t tell Liam to change stations. Liam smiled and fussed about with the stations, until he found one playing Justin Timberlake. Zayn smiled and Liam relaxed on the seat.

Liam never saw Zayn driving, so he glanced at him from time to time, observing how he moved, how he gripped the wheel, how his eyes flickered to the mirrors.

He was so beautiful. Liam always got lost in Zayn’s beauty, but it wasn’t only that. Zayn was a caring person, he was funny and he liked what Liam liked. He was perfect all around, to be quite honest. And Liam ― well, he wasn't.

Thinking about that made him feel a bit sad. He looked through the window and sighed, the houses of the town blurring together in his unfocused vision. He started when he felt Zayn’s hand on his knee.

“You okay?” Zayn asked.

“Yeah. Why?” Liam asked.

“You got quiet all of a sudden.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“No need to be sorry for it, babe. You don’t have to entertain me. I just wanna know if you’re okay.”

Liam smiled when he heard the ‘babe’. Zayn was dropping the word ‘babe’ when referring to him for some time now. This made Liam get all sorts of flustered and hurting, because he wanted to be called babe by Zayn, but in another way.

“I’m good. It’s just― Dunno, I was just thinking,” Liam said.

Zayn’s hand was still in his knee, and he squeezed it. “Alright,” he said, and left him to his thoughts, keeping quiet until they arrived at Liam’s home.

“Do you wanna come in?” Liam asked.

“Sure.” Zayn nodded easily and left the car.

Liam’s parents were already in bed. He gestured for Zayn to keep quiet and went straight to his bedroom. He closed the door and dropped his backpack on the floor. Zayn went to his bed and sat on it. He pushed his sneakers onto the floor and leaned on the headboard with his legs crossed at his ankles.

Every time Zayn went there, Liam got a bit awkward, not knowing if he should offer something for him to drink or eat. It felt too formal, though, so he didn’t do it. And they had eaten a lot at Louis’ home, so, he guessed Zayn wasn’t hungry.

Liam took off his shoes and sat on the middle of the bed, with his legs crossed and his feet under him.

“Hey, come here,” Zayn said, patting the mattress by his side.

Liam smiled and sat by Zayn’s side, leaning on the headboard. Their arms and legs were touching, because it was a single bed. But it was okay, they were friends.

“You were great today, Liam,” Zayn said, looking at him.

Liam felt a blush warming his face. “Thanks, Zayn,” he said, ducking his head with a smile. “You were great too. Like, you’re always great, though.” And he shrugged.

After he said that, he realized how that sounded flirty, but he didn’t take it back. They were friends. He could compliment a friend.

He heard Zayn chuckle by his side and he looked at him. Zayn raised his arm and wrapped it around Liam’s shoulder.

“You’re really cute, Liam,” Zayn said, softly. He was so close that Liam could feel Zayn's breath on his face.

That wasn’t something new, to be quite honest. Zayn was an affectionate person who liked to touch his friends. Thing was, Liam wasn’t used to it yet, and every time Zayn got this close, he felt his heartbeat speed up. And right now, Liam was regretting not drinking, because he was feeling too sober.

“Why didn’t you drink?” Liam asked. If he thought about it, it didn’t look like something Zayn would normally do.

“I was drunk at my first kiss. Didn’t want the same for you,” he answered.

Liam’s head snapped up, his eyebrows scrunched in confusion, looking at Zayn. Before he asked what he was talking about, Zayn leaned in and kissed him.

Liam gasped and froze, his eyes wide open. _Oh my god!_ He freaked out mentally, his thoughts scattered in his mind. He felt Zayn smile in the kiss and cup his face gently. It was enough for him to jump into action. He closed his eyes and kissed Zayn back.

In the dreams Liam had about this moment, he thought about the taste of Zayn’s mouth, the texture of his lips, of his tongue, the smell of his cologne or his cigarettes… But the truth was that Liam’s body went in overdrive and he couldn’t even discern the ceiling from the floor. He couldn’t bring enough air to his lungs, and his hands were trembling so much he wasn’t able to concentrate on his touch.

Liam couldn’t even break from his shock enough to enjoy it. Before he was ready, Zayn was pulling back, breaking the kiss too soon. Liam blinked his eyes open and looked at Zayn. His face was still close, his lips curved in a soft smile. Liam took a deep breath, looking for something to say, but unable to form words. To say he was surprised by the kiss would be an understatement.

Zayn caressed his jaw softly, his pretty eyes blinking slowly while he looked at Liam’s lips. “Is this okay?” he asked in whispers.

“Yeah,” Liam breathed, then frowned a bit. “Did it look like it wasn’t okay?” he asked, a bit of worry filtering in his voice. _Of course it didn’t look like it was okay. I froze like a stupid twat―_

Zayn answered by pulling him into another kiss. Liam wasn’t more prepared for this one than he was for the first. But, this time around, he had enough presence of mind to actually feel the kiss and reciprocate as soon as Zayn’s lips touched his. Liam held Zayn’s face gently, sucking on his top lip while the other boy sucked on his lower lip eagerly. When Zayn’s tongue caressed his lips, Liam parted them to lick Zayn’s tongue and suck on it. He felt a deep sigh blowing from Zayn’s nose and a soft, answering moan floated from his throat into the kiss. The emotion that was frozen by the shock of the first kiss started to bubble in his stomach, making Liam’s heart skip a beat.

Zayn cradled Liam’s head in his hands gently, but firmly, kissing him in a way Liam was never kissed before. The kiss was deep, passionate and hot, but Zayn wasn’t touching any other part of Liam’s body besides his head, pouring everything he wanted to show in the kiss. Liam was dazed, trying to reciprocate equally, but feeling overwhelmed. _It’s just a kiss. Why I’m feeling this way?_ He thought, desperately, clutching onto Zayn’s shoulders.

When Zayn broke the kiss, he rubbed their noses together and kissed Liam’s nose, softly. Liam tried, but couldn’t smile with the gesture. He was swallowing the emotion that was trying to drown him.

After kissing his nose, Zayn kissed his eyes, so softly and caring that Liam sighed between his hands. Then, he kissed Liam’s eyebrows, his forehead, his cheekbones, the sides of his nose, the extension of his jaw, his chin, and finally, his mouth. When Zayn leaned back a bit to look at him, Liam opened his eyes to look back. He felt his breath choke in his lungs when he noticed the way Zayn was looking at him. It was like ― like he _adored_ him.

Liam never felt this beautiful before.

 

_Amen. Amen. Amen._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains scene of hate crime. Tread carefully, loves. xx

_The only heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you_

 

“By the way, that wasn’t my first kiss,” Liam said, with his eyes closed, a couple of hours later. They had laid down on their sides, cuddled in the small bed. Liam had pulled a comforter over them, covering their heads and creating a soft cocoon.

“You sure it wasn’t?” Zayn asked, his tone making Liam know he had a smirk on his face.

“Fuck off,” Liam said, snorting a laugh. “I was surprised, that’s all. It wasn’t my first kiss.”

“I know, babe,” Zayn said, kissing his forehead softly. “When I said ‘first kiss’ I was talking about your last first kiss. That was your last first kiss," his tone was a joking one, but Liam felt he wasn't really joking.

“You know that sounds really creepy, don’t you?” Liam giggled, not wanting to dwell on his hopeful thoughts.

“Does it? I think it sounds romantic,” Zayn said, in a mock wounded voice.

“It sounded as romantic as your job,” Liam sniped.

“My job is plenty romantic.”

“You put tampons on dead’s eyes as a job,” Liam pointed.

“I prepare the vessel of the soul for its final ceremony,” Zayn said, grandly.

“Using fancy words to say you clean and dress up corpses doesn’t make it less stinky,” Liam argued, making a face. Zayn rolled over him, giving fake punches on his arms and waist. “Stop it!” Liam shout-whispered, trying to keep quiet. “My parents are sleeping down the corridor!”

“I’ll stop if you say my job is exotic and exciting,” Zayn said, holding Liam’s hand and play fighting him into submission.

“Okay, okay!” Liam said. His body was shaking with silent laughter. “Your job is sick!”

“Very well,” Zayn said, giving a last pinch on Liam’s waist before laying back down.

“You’re mad!” Liam reproached, but pulled him into his arms.

“You mean, I’m great,” Zayn said, going willingly to Liam’s arms.

“Yes, you are,” Liam whispered.

Zayn mumbled something unintelligible and cuddled closer.

He slept with Liam that night and they woke up tangled together. It was the first time Liam remembered waking up with a smile on his face.

 

_Command me to be well_

 

Liam had spent all the weekend with Zayn. They stayed the Saturday holed up in Liam’s bedroom until night, when Zayn went to sleep at home. On Sunday, Liam went to Zayn’s home and it was more of the same, they both hiding in his bedroom and pretending the world didn’t exist. Zayn took Liam home at night with Louis' car, and they kissed goodbye for hours.

Liam never had met someone like this, someone he could share everything he loved and see his excitement reflected in the other’s eyes. Zayn was so mature and caring, so different from all the people he knew at school. But, at the same time, Zayn had a dorky and silly side that made Liam feel so comfortable. It was hard for Liam to understand how someone like Zayn could look at someone like him with anything besides condescendence.

Their parents knew they were together, like, _together_ together, without them saying a thing. It was something unexpectedly natural. He didn’t had to introduce Zayn to his parents, because they already knew ― and loved ― him. The same went to Liam. He was so glad Trisha and Yaser liked him. Even more glad that he didn’t need to pass through all the “meeting the family” occasion.

He and Zayn talked a lot during the weekend, but they forgot talk about how they should act at school. Now it was Monday and, besides school, they had rehearsal that day too. Liam was apprehensive, because he didn’t know how he should act around Zayn in public. He thought about sending him a message asking about it, but he was afraid to sound dumb.

Liam was unlocking his bike to go to school, when he heard a car stopping in front of his house. He raised his eyes and blinked, surprised by Zayn there.

“Oh, so you kept Louis’ car,” he said, leaving his bike there and approaching the car.

“Yep. Get in quick. I have to pick up Louis too,” Zayn said, smiling.

Liam smiled back and entered the car. As soon as he closed the door, Zayn leaned in his direction, kissing him. Liam thought it would be a quick peck on his lips, but Zayn held his face and kissed him insistently, until he parted his lips and Zayn deepened the kiss. When Zayn broke the kiss, Liam was a bit breathless.

“Good morning,” Zayn said, smirking and going back to his previous position. “Let’s get Louis. He’s pissed ‘cause we ignored him all the weekend.”

“Oh, is he?” Liam asked, frowning a bit.

“Don’t mind him. He just like to be the center of the attention. His ego will survive, don’t worry,” Zayn said, unconcerned.

When they got at Louis’ home, he was waiting by the door.

“Fuck you, you two,” was his greeting.

“Morning, Lou,” Zayn said, smiling. “How’s your weekend?”

“I missed my damn car,” Louis answered.

“Sorry for not reaching back to you, Louis,” Liam said, turning back to look at him on the backseat.

“You damn well should be sorry. I only forgive you, Liam, because I know it was Zayn who corrupted you,” Louis said, affecting a stern tone.

Liam smiled at him and turned back to the front. Zayn only chuckled.

When they arrived at school, Zayn turned off the car and threw the keys back to Louis. “Thanks for the car, Lou. It was well used,” he said, leaving the car.

“I hope I don’t find any suspicious stains on the seats, Malik!” Louis shouted.

Liam blushed deeply and left the car quickly.

Zayn only chuckled and rounded the car to get by Liam’s side. He smiled at him and held his hand and― _fuck._  Liam tried to swallow the gasp, but he was sure Zayn noticed. He just winked at Liam and looked at their path, walking completely unbothered.

Liam wanted to look around, but he didn’t dare. However, he wouldn’t look down either. He breathed in and raised his chin, holding his backpack tighter with his free hand. They didn’t talk about that, but Zayn did it like it was the most natural thing in the world. But Liam knew in his heart that it wasn’t just handholding. It was a deep, fearless statement of intent in front of all school, their bullies and their friends. It was everything Liam ever wanted, and Zayn just gave it to him without any prompt.

Liam glanced at Zayn and he glanced back at him, raising his eyebrow in a gesture already familiar. Liam saw his smile and he almost could hear his voice in his mind, saying ‘Chill, babe’.

And he chilled.

 

_I was born sick, but I love it_

 

The next day, Liam was in his Math class when his phone vibrated. He picked it up discreetly, and read the message:

“You fags are disgusting. You should be ashamed of breathing the same air as normal people.”

He frowned deeply, looking around, but none looked suspicious. The message was from an unknown number, so he just deleted it. It was the first time he got this kind of message, but it wasn’t so different from when David called him a fag. He focused back on his class, upset by this person that felt the need to be mean to him with no reason.

Liam told Zayn and the boys about the message at lunch.

“These fuckers got tired to say it on our faces,” Zayn said, annoyed.

“Do you think it’s David?” Harry asked.

“Probably,” Louis said, pressing his lips in a thin line. “You shouldn’t have deleted it, Liam. We would try to find who's the owner of the number.”

“I didn’t think about it at the time. And it was just a message. There’s no need to worry about it. If something weird happens, we will worry then,” Liam said.

Thing was, the messages didn’t stop. In fact, Zayn started to receive them as well.

They were keeping a close eye on David, William and Jordan. However, since the prank the boys threw at them in the alley, they were pretending the boys didn’t exist. Which was great, to be honest.

The numbers of the sender always changed, and the boys discovered it was because the messages were sent by a service of VoIP. That meant the person sending the messages wasn’t even using a phone, and they couldn’t block the number.

Zayn got all over Liam at the school. Liam wasn’t sure if it was to piss off the secret bully or if it was how he was in all his relationships. They didn’t snog in school grounds, but Zayn made a point of being glued to Liam all time they were in the same room. He would hold Liam’s hand, caress his face, his shoulder, would sent heated looks that left Liam all hot and bothered. Liam got a bit flustered by it, but he loved the attention. However, he thought they should be more careful.

“We shouldn’t be afraid of this dick, babe. Words can’t hurt us,” Zayn said to him, when Liam received sixty hate messages in a day. “We should present a united front, so they’ll know they can’t drag us down.”

Even though Liam was bothered by the messages, he felt reassured by Zayn’s affection. All the hate they were being target paled in comparison of the bliss that was having Zayn with him. Everything bad disappeared from his mind when Zayn held him tight and kissed him.

That’s why he didn’t break his routine. He would go to school, then to One Direction rehearsals and next to Louis’ home. When someone in the city died, he'd keep company to the boys while Zayn and Louis cleaned and dressed the corpse. After, they'd go to one of their homes. They’d make their homeworks, talk and kiss each other until it was late. They didn't sleep too much, but they were happy, and that was more than enough.

 

_Offer me that deathless death_

 

After four weeks of dating, Zayn and Liam had kissed and touched each other over their clothes, had pressed their bodies together in less than innocent ways, but nothing further. Thing was, Liam was dying to feel Zayn’s hands all over his body without any clothes between them, but he was too shy to ask. And by the looks of it, Zayn was waiting for him to ask ― or take the first step, he wasn’t sure. It was getting ridiculous, really.

In other circumstances, Liam would think Zayn didn’t want him. However, he always felt Zayn get hard when they snogged, which was proof enough that he wanted him. So, Liam decided it was time to act. He asked for his dad’s truck to take Zayn on a date.

He took Zayn to watch a movie with everything set up for after it. His plan was to lay down with Zayn on the nest he made in the truck’s bed, snog for a bit, and then touch his dick. It was a simple plan as seducing plans go, but he hoped it ended well.

He was driving them towards a romantic hill that faced the city after the movie.

“Where are we going, babe?” Zayn asked, when he noticed Liam driving past the outskirts of the town.

“I’m taking you to a place with a nice view,” Liam said, smiling.

“Hm, sounds interesting,” Zayn said, nodding and caressing Liam’s thigh.

When they got there, Liam stopped the truck in reverse with the back of it facing the hill. Zayn jumped out with an impressed look on his face. Liam stepped out of the truck and went to stand by Zayn’s side, looking at the lights of the town blinking from afar.

“Hm, I think I like you being romantic,” Zayn said, wrapping his arms around Liam.

“Your idea of romantic is a bit different than mine, but thank you,” Liam teased, hugging him back.

“You saying you don’t think it’s sick to watch your boyfriend manhandling the dead?” Zayn bantered back.

“I think it’s sick watching you doing anything,” Liam said, being corny purposefully.

“Aw, you’re such a sap,” Zayn said and kissed him softly.

Liam wrapped Zayn’s waist with his arms and pulled him closer. He licked Zayn’s lips, sucking on his lower lip softly. Zayn held Liam’s jaw and angled it a bit to deepen the kiss. He licked inside Liam’s mouth slowly, pushing and pulling his tongue in an enticing way that made Liam’s stomach coil.

Liam sucked on Zayn’s tongue, and followed it with his own when Zayn pulled it back into his mouth. He moaned softly when Zayn sucked on his tongue, his dick starting to swell with the sensation.

Liam broke the kiss to bit on Zayn’s lower lip, pulling it with his teeth. Zayn moaned hotly and Liam let his lip go. He leaned back a bit and Zayn followed the movement to keep kissing him. Liam chuckled and leaned in to kiss his neck.

“I made a nest for us,” he said, smiling.

“Oh?” Zayn asked, looking interested.

Liam let Zayn go and stepped to the side to open the tailgate of the truck's bed. He did a great work, he thought. He put a mattress on the floor of the bed and a lot of blankets and pillows.

“You came prepared, eh?” Zayn said, teasing. “Were you planning to seduce me, Leeyum?”

“Actually, I was,” Liam said, sheepishly.

“You’re succeeding, then.” Zayn winked at him and sat on the tailgate to take off his boots. Once he dropped his boots with his socks stuffed inside on the ground, he crawled on the nest, laying down on his side. “Come over here,” he said, making a calling motion with his hand.

Liam laughed a bit and took off his sneakers, going to Zayn’s side. As soon as his body hit the fluffy surface, Zayn was on him, kissing his mouth hungrily. Liam laid back, pulling Zayn over him without breaking the kiss. It wasn’t something new, they had caged each other under their bodies countless times, but this time was different for Liam. He felt his heartbeat thump in his chest wildly with what he was planning to do.

He kissed Zayn with as much hunger as he was being kissed. His hands roamed on Zayn’s back, caressing him with intent. He slid them down to Zayn’s bum and squeezed it. Zayn moaned softly in the kiss, encouraging him. It wasn’t the first time he touched Zayn that way either, but what he did next was new. He pulled Zayn to himself, rubbing their crotches together. This time, they both moaned with the sensation rocking through them.

Zayn broke the kiss and bowed his back, pushing onto Liam again. Their clothed crotches rubbing was so, so good, but Liam wanted more. He slid his hands under Zayn’s t-shirt and ghosted them across the waistband of his pants. Zayn moaned again, softly. He hadn’t stopped to undulate his hips, rubbing himself on Liam in a tortuous and pleasurable way.

Liam wanted to slid his hands under Zayn’s pants so much, but he just couldn’t push forward. He kissed Zayn again, more forcefully, rubbing the span of skin just above Zayn’s pants, wanting, but not knowing how to ask. He had planned this so much, and now he couldn’t act, it was so frustrating.

Zayn kissed Liam’s chin and licked a hot stripe on his jaw, stopping just under his ear.

“Do you want to touch me, Leeyum?” he whispered, spreading goosebumps all over Liam’s body.

“Yes,” Liam gasped, and swallowed hard.

Zayn straightened his back up with a soft smile on his lips, and took his t-shirt off confidently. Liam licked his lips and raised his hand to touch Zayn’s chest, but he stopped short, gasping with his hand in the air, when Zayn started to unbutton his own pants. Zayn didn’t push them down, just unfastened them ― enough to send Liam’s mind spiralling without control. He picked up Liam’s hands and put them on his hips, licking his lips while he guided them backwards and down, inside his pants.

Liam acted on instinct. His big hands grabbed both cheeks, squeezing and pulling Zayn towards him. A thrill made Liam’s groin twitch when Zayn closed his eyes, a soft moan sliding through his lips.

Zayn opened his eyes and looked at Liam. He touched the top button of Liam’s shirt, and said, “May I?”

Liam nodded and Zayn unbuttoned his shirt with slightly trembling hands. Liam noticed and caressed Zayn’s back softly. He was looking at Liam with such an intensity, that he felt shy under the weight of Zayn's feelings.

Once Zayn finished unbuttoning the shirt, Liam touched his face. Zayn turned his head to kiss Liam’s hand, holding it and kissing Liam’s palm softly. He started to lick Liam’s fingers with his eyes closed, and Liam was entranced. Liam's other hand was moving for its own account, caressing Zayn’s side, chest, hips and belly passionately.

When Liam felt Zayn’s happy trail, he looked down and saw the span of his own hand covering almost Zayn’s entire belly. His eyes slid lower to Zayn’s hard dick covered by a thin layer of white cotton. He slid his thumb underneath the waistband just a bit, caressing softly.

Zayn sighed and closed his lips around Liam’s thumb, sucking on it. Liam’s brain short-circuited and he looked up. Zayn was looking straight at his eyes and, without stopping sucking on his thumb, he pushed Liam’s other hand down onto his dick.

Liam gasped when he felt the hot and soft skin, hard under his fingers. He wrapped Zayn’s dick in his hand, squeezing a bit on the head. Zayn closed his eyes and let out a loud moan around the thumb he had in his mouth, pushing Liam's other hand harder onto himself.

Liam was a bit overwhelmed, not knowing where to concentrate, if in his finger being sucked by Zayn or his hand wrapped around Zayn’s dick. “I want to suck you off so much,” he blurted, instead.

Zayn let go of Liam’s thumb and gasped, “Please, do it.”

He got off of Liam and laid down by his side. Liam scrambled up, pushing Zayn’s pants and underwear down with the same movement. Zayn crawled up a bit, opening his legs and giving Liam more space.

Liam wrapped his lips around Zayn’s dick without any teasing, sucking earnestly. No porn or training sucking on his fingers had prepared him for the taste and feeling of a dick in his mouth. He wasn’t trying to impress, he knew it was obvious that it was his first time, but he wanted to make it good for Zayn.

He was making a mess of it, spit sliding down from his mouth, getting Zayn’s dick all wet while he hollowed his cheeks to suck harder. Liam spread some of the wetness pooled on his fingers around. He rubbed it over Zayn balls instinctively, as it was something he would do to himself, and felt Zayn’s dick twitch in his mouth. A tangy taste melted on his tongue and he moaned. He slid his finger lower, not knowing if what he was doing was okay, but acting on instinct. He rubbed at Zayn’s hole with his index finger and it spasmed.

“Shit,” he heard Zayn cursing, and he pulled off from his cock with a loud pop.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, rubbing Zayn’s hole softly.

Zayn chuckled breathlessly, caressing Liam’s mop of hair, and answered, “Not at all, babe.” He licked his lips and said with a teasing tone, “You can go on, yeah?”

Liam smiled and massaged Zayn’s hole with two fingers, licking up on the underside of his dick. “Can I put my fingers in you?” he asked, shyly, with his mouth close to Zayn’s dick, his expression hidden.

He noticed Zayn’s chest convulse in a chopped breath, before he gasped a soft, “Yeah, do it babe.”

Liam shivered with his response and licked Zayn’s dick once more. “I brought lube,” he said, pulling a sachet of lube from his pocket.

Zayn smirked. “Of course, you brought lube,” he said, spreading his legs some more.

Liam shrugged, a bit shy. “Just wanna be prepared, it’s all,” he mumbled.

“Did you bring more than one?” Zayn asked, but he didn’t look like he was teasing anymore.

“Yeah, I did.” Liam nodded.

Zayn smiled and licked his lips. “That’s good. Come here,” he said, pulling Liam down to kiss him deeply. “You sure you want this? With me?” he asked close to Liam’s mouth, and Liam understood he wasn’t talking about just his fingers.

“Yes,” Liam answered, kissing him earnestly. Of course, he wanted this with Zayn.

Zayn pushed the shirt that was still on Liam’s shoulders off, and went to unbutton his pants. Liam helped him to push his pants and underwear off and was quickly pulled back onto Zayn’s body. Liam moaned at the feel of Zayn’s skin touching his all over. Their cocks were nestled together and it felt so good that Liam feared rubbing them together and coming right away.

Zayn wrapped his legs around Liam’s hips and kissed him. His hands were firm exploring Liam’s skin, pressing and clawing at his back, squeezing the muscles between his fingers and scratching, taking Liam into a cloud of sensation.

Zayn broke the kiss and squeezed Liam’s bum, rubbing their crotches together. Liam moaned and ducked his head to bite Zayn’s neck.

“I wanna suck you off, too,” Zayn said, and Liam bit harder at his shoulder.

“Oh, god, I want it so much, but not now,” Liam said, swallowing with difficulty. He was too close to coming, if Zayn put his mouth on him, it would be impossible to hold himself.

“Alright, then,” Zayn said, smirking, like he could read Liam’s mind. “Turn over, bad boy. I wanna your fingers in me, but I wanna be on top.”

Liam did as Zayn requested and laid down on their nest, expectantly. Zayn straddled his hips and picked up the sachet of lube that fell from Liam’s fingers without him noticing.

“Gimme your hand, babe,” he said, tearing up the sachet with his teeth.

Liam raised his hand and Zayn put a dollop of lube on his fingers, and dropped the sachet by the side. He spread the lube on Liam’s fingers slowly, warming the cold gel on his skin.

“Have you ever done this before, Leeyum?” he asked. He was looking at Liam in such an intense way, that he felt something hot coil in his toes.

“No, I didn’t. I mean― Only to myself,” he stuttered his answer.

“I love your hands. Did I tell you this before?” Zayn asked, his hand still working lube on Liam’s fingers.

“No, you didn’t,” Liam said, biting his lips.

“I’m telling it now, then. I love your hands,” Zayn said, making it sound like a dirty thing, and maybe― maybe it was. Liam’s face burned when he understood what Zayn was implying, and Zayn smirked at him. “Yeah.” He bit his lower lip, lifted his hips and guided Liam’s hand to his hole.

Liam had planned to play a bit, to spread lube around Zayn’s hole and explore some, but Zayn was having none of it. He held Liam’s hand firmly and pushed his index finger in. _Shit!_ Zayn closed his eyes and licked his lips. He leaned forward and put his hands on Liam’s chest to support the weight of his body.

Liam pushed a bit more of his finger in, looking at Zayn’s face to see if he was alright. Zayn seemed to be alright. In fact, he seemed to be more than alright if the way his lips parted and soft moans floated from his mouth were any indication.

“Have you ever done this before?” Liam asked. Zayn answered with a nod. “On yourself?”

“Yeah,” Zayn answered, half opening his eyes to look at him. Liam’s dick twitched on his belly.

“Shit. You have to show me,” Liam blurted and Zayn moaned an agreement.

Zayn straightened his back and Liam gasped. He hadn’t thought about Zayn showing it right now, and his brain short-circuited for the second time. Zayn rubbed his fingers over Liam’s hand, getting it lubed, and pushed one in alongside Liam’s.

“Fuck,” Liam gasped. “This is so hot, shit.” He never saw something so hot in all his life.

“Ah, yeah,” Zayn moaned, the sound loud and naughty around them.

Zayn used his hand to guide Liam’s inside him, setting the pace of their fingers fucking him. Sooner that what Liam expected, Zayn pushed another finger inside himself.

“Oh, babe,” Liam moaned. Zayn was so hot, that Liam felt in the verge of coming just from looking at him and listening to his moans.

Zayn pushed their fingers inside himself some more, then took his off. Liam kept his finger inside him, massaging the velvety walls, lost in everything.

“Condom, babe,” Zayn said and Liam nodded.

Liam pulled his finger from inside Zayn gently, pushing it back and forth slightly, just to feel his hole twitch. He looked around and pulled a condom from a pocket of his pants. He patted under the pillows and picked up another sachet of lube. Together they put the condom on Liam’s dick, and Zayn spread more lube on it, getting it nice and slippery.

Zayn raised his hips a bit more and held Liam’s dick. He rubbed it around his hole, and then he blinked, looking up.

“What happened?” Liam asked, confused.

Zayn looked back down at Liam, smirking. “Looks like it’s gonna rain,” he said and sat down on Liam’s dick.

Liam didn’t even register what Zayn said, his mind numbing with the feeling of being pressed inside the tightness of Zayn’s body.

“Oh, fuck,” he gasped, clutching at Zayn’s hips. He looked at Zayn’s face. He was with his eyes closed, biting his lower lip.

Zayn rolled his hips slowly up and down, a concentrated look on his face like he was getting used to Liam’s girth inside him. Every couple of second he pushed a bit more of Liam’s dick inside him, until he was sat on Liam’s crotch. His lip was still being tortured by his teeth, but his face had an unreadable expression.

Liam didn’t move, just looked at Zayn, his cock twitching, being squeezed by the clutch of Zayn’s hole. Then, a raindrop fell on his face, the first of many. Liam blinked, but didn’t look away, he simply couldn’t look away from Zayn, even with the rain pouring over them in fat, freezing drops right now, making their hair plaster over their heads.

Zayn’s eyes opened and he looked at Liam with his huge bambi eyes wide open. They were filled with so much emotion, that Liam felt his heart constrict. Liam’s breathing was ragged, his fingers pressing on Zayn’s hip with so much force he would leave bruises, but he couldn’t notice these things right now. He could only look back at Zayn, looking fragile for the first time since he met him, staring at Liam’s eyes with so much love he felt a lump in his throat.

It was Zayn who moved first, rolling his hips in a circular motion, moaning softly. Liam let go of one of his hips to touch his pretty face. Zayn closed his eyes and leaned down to kiss his lips. Liam wrapped his arms around Zayn, holding his nape to kiss him deeper, and pushed his hips up gently. Zayn moaned inside the kiss, melted in Liam’s arms.

They moved that way, with their lips locked, their bodies pressed together and Liam pushing his hips up. Their sounds merged with the sounds of the rain, their moans and groans turning into a cacophony of pleasure in Liam’s ears.

Zayn broke the kiss and leaned his forehead on Liam’s. His breathing was as laboured as Liam’s and his skin was soaked wet, sliding under Liam’s eager hands. He was trembling, but Liam didn’t know if it was from the cold. Liam was trembling too, but it wasn’t because of the rain.

“It’s my first time too,” Zayn whispered on Liam’s mouth, leaving him speechless.

“Fuck,” was everything Liam could say, before his movements got jerkily and he came so hard he blacked out.

He came back to himself with the sound of Zayn’s chuckle. “If I knew you’d came if I told you that…” He tutted and Liam whined, pulling his dick out of Zayn gently and taking the condom off.

“You said it on purpose,” Liam complained, kissing Zayn and sliding a hand between them to wrap around Zayn’s dick. “Let me.”

Zayn straightened his back up a bit, and Liam started to pull him off.

“Oh,” Zayn moaned with his eyes closed, and Liam squeezed his dick a bit more, moving his hand faster and pushing two fingers of his other hand inside him. Zayn hissed and came all over their bellies and chests, falling boneless over him.

Liam wrapped him in his arms, noticing that the rain had stopped, but the air was chilling. He didn’t want to move, though, so he rubbed Zayn’s back to warm him up a bit, peppering kisses over his shoulder.

After a couple of minutes, the cold was unbearable and he said, “Let’s get inside the truck, babe. It’s freezing on these wet sheets."

"One can see you never dug a grave in a frozen ground," Zayn teased, but straightened up, getting off of Liam.

“You’re right,” Liam said, picking their wet clothes up and going to the backseat of the truck. He picked up a blanket he left there for precaution and wrapped them up in it. “Damn, it was great while we were occupied, but once we cooled down a bit it was awful,” he said, laughing and cuddling closet to Zayn.

Zayn chuckled and kissed his neck. "I guess there's nothing better to distract you from the cold than fucking," he said.

Liam bit his lower lip, and said, “Is it too corny to say that I think of it as making love?”

Zayn looked up at him, a fond smile on his face. “It’s corny, yeah. But corny is good if it’s the truth, babe."

“Why you didn’t tell me it was your first time, though?” Liam asked. Zayn was so mature; he couldn’t understand how it was possible to be that way and still be a virgin.

“Because I didn’t want you to feel more nervous,” Zayn answered.

“Oh.” Liam nodded, understanding. “It was your first time going all the way, or it was your first time doing any of this?”

“For me, oral sex is sex too,” Zayn said. “Like, for some people it might be different, I dunno, in degrees of intimacy, I guess. But for me it isn’t. I don’t get it why people think that swallowing someone’s dick down or eating someone out is less intimate than penetrating.” He frowned a bit, looking away. “Maybe they think like this because they feel less attached doing that way, dunno. I’m okay with people thinking that way, mind you, but I’d feel the same attachment. Socially it might be different, but it isn’t in my heart, and it’s my heart that matters for me.”

 _Does Zayn have any doubts about my attachment?_ Liam asked himself. He couldn't possibly think that Liam's attachment would be different if they hadn't gone all the way, could he? “You must know that I love you, don’t you?” he blurted.

Zayn smiled sweetly at him. “I do, babe,” he said, softly. “And you? Do you know I love you?”

Liam looked at his eyes, so pretty and shiny, and he felt his own eyes getting wet. His throat constricted under the realization that he had no doubt about Zayn’s feelings for him. Liam knew his voice would sound wobbly if he talked, but he wasn’t afraid of letting Zayn see what he was feeling. He wasn’t ashamed of being himself in front of Zayn.

“I do.”

 

_Sharpen your knife_

 

Two weeks later, when Liam was leaving home to go to school, he found a sheet of paper on the floor. It was close to the door, like someone had slipped the paper in through the gap under the it.

Liam picked it up and turned around to see what was it. He gasped when he saw a picture of a rotting corpse with a cut of Liam’s face glued over its head. On the top was ‘All fags must rot’, in letters cut from magazines.

The hate messages they were receiving had worsened in content since they started coming. First they had insults, then veiled threats, like the ‘you disgusting fags deserve to die’ he received once. But none of them was this graphic. _No, no… It’s going too far._ He thought, picking his phone up to call Zayn. He answered on the second ring.

“Babe? You okay?” Zayn sounded worried. Probably because Liam didn’t use to call him at this hour.

“Not really, no,” Liam answered. “I just got the most awful collage here at home.”

“Collage?”

“Yeah. It looks like the messages we're receiving weren’t enough,” Liam said, crumpling the paper in his hand.

“Fuck,” Zayn sweared. “Babe, stay at home, I’m going there.”

“Okay,” Liam said and they hung up. He called his father next.

“Liam?” Geoff answered after a few rings.

“Dad, there’s a person sending hate messages to me and Zayn,” Liam started.

“What? Since when?” his father asked in a grave tone.

“For some weeks now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” his father sounded worried.

“Because it was only messages, dad. We thought it was someone trying to prank us. I didn’t want to worry you and mum because of it,” Liam answered.

“What happened for you to tell me now, then? If you didn’t tell me when it was only messages, but are telling now…” his father trailed off.

“I got a collage here at home. Someone put my face on a rotting corpse and glued the words ‘all fags must rot’. They’re getting bolder doing this thing. And coming here…” Liam took a deep breath at the end.

The sound of the doorbell made him jump.

“What was that?” Geoff asked.

“Someone at the door,” Liam whispered. “Let me see who this is.”

Liam stepped softly, so he wouldn’t announce his presence, and looked through the peephole. He breathed relieved when he saw it was Zayn.

“It’s Zayn,” he said to his father, opening the door.

“You okay?” Zayn asked, entering and hugging him.

“Yeah. I’m talking with dad,” Liam answered, feeling safe with Zayn there.

“I’m glad you’re not alone anymore,” Geoff said. “Go to school. I’ll pick you up there and we’ll go to the police after your classes. If it’s a prank, it’s gone too far and this person must be stopped.”

“Okay, dad. See you.”

They hung up and Liam hid his face in Zayn’s neck. Zayn kissed his shoulder, tightening his grip around him.

“Let me see this collage, babe” Liam handed him the crumpled paper silently. Zayn looked at it and made a disgusted face. “Fuck. What kind of sick fucks send this to anyone?” He was seething.

“Dad said we’re going to the police today. He’s gonna pick me up at school.”

“Good. These cunts don’t deserve to be ignored anymore. They need a bit of a scare,” Zayn said, folding the collage and giving it back to Liam. “Keep it to take to the police. Let’s go to school. Don’t let them see you’re bothered by it, babe.”

“I won’t,” Liam said, firmly.

“Let’s go show those fuckers they can’t mess with us.” Zayn held Liam’s hand and they went walking to school.

They arrived there without a minute to spare, but Zayn walked Liam to his first class anyway. Liam whined, but Zayn ignored it. Once they got at the door of Liam’s classroom, Zayn smiled at him and pulled him into a hug.

“Don’t let them drag you down,” he whispered and Liam nodded.

“I won’t,” Liam mumbled and took a deep breath.

“I’ll be here when your class end.”

“I don’t need protection, Zayn. Not here,” Liam complained, rolling his eyes.

“It’s not about protection, babe. It’s about showing them a united front,” Zayn explained.

“Okay.” Liam sighed, knowing that Zayn wouldn’t drop it. “See you later.” And he entered the classroom.

Even though Liam was looking behind his back from time to time, his classes went uneventful. He left his final class with Zayn holding his hand, but acting like a skinny bodyguard. Geoff was already waiting for them at the parking lot.

When the boys entered the car, Geoff greeted them with a somber expression upon his features. He left the parking lot of the school, turning to the Police Station’s way.

“I hope you don’t hide this kind of thing from us again, Liam,” Geoff said, holding the wheel tightly.

“I won’t, dad. Sorry,” Liam said, chastised.

“You too, Zayn,” he added, for good measure.

“Sure, Geoff. It won’t happen again,” Zayn agreed easily.

They were a bit far from the Police Station yet, when Zayn’s phone went off. He picked it up from his pocket and answered.

“Hey, mum.” There was a brief pause and he said, “Yeah, good. I’m with Liam and Geoff―” he started to say, but was cut off by something his mom said.

Liam was looking at him through the rear-view mirror. Zayn’s face, that was set on a fond expression because he was talking to his mom, morphed into a deep frown. Liam didn’t know what Trisha was saying, but whatever it was, it wasn't anything good. Zayn pressed his lips together and looked down with such a devastated expression that Liam’s heart constricted in his behalf.

“When was it?” Zayn asked.

Liam noticed, in shock, that Zayn eyes were glinting with unshed tears. He turned around in his seat to look directly at him. “What is happening, babe?” he asked, grabbing Zayn’s knee, the only place he could reach because of his position.

Zayn sniffed and looked at Liam, his eyes full of tears. “My grandpa died.”

“Fuck, no,” Liam gasped.

“Oh, no. I’m so sorry, Zayn,” Geoff said, stopping the car at the curb to wait for Zayn finish the call.

Liam unbuckled his seatbelt and jumped out of the car to go to the backseat. He didn’t know exactly what to do, so he put a hand on Zayn’s nape and held his free hand with the other. He was feeling so sorry for him. He could only imagine what Zayn was feeling.

Zayn ducked his head again, sniffing and squeezing Liam’s hand painfully tight. He hummed to what his mom was saying in the call, nodding slightly. “Okay, mum,” he said, with a trembling voice. “Love you. See you,” and hung up.

Zayn didn’t raise his head, and Liam could see tears sliding down his pretty face. He pulled him in a crushing hug, tucking his head in the crook of his neck. “I’m so sorry, love. So, so sorry.”

Liam looked at his dad, lost, not knowing what to do. He never saw Zayn that way and it was crushing him to see his strong boyfriend this devastated. Geoff pressed his lips together in an empathic gesture, and squeezed Zayn’s knee comfortingly.

“Let me take you home, son,” Geoff said.

Zayn raised his head and wiped his face. “Not home. To the cemetery, please.”

“To the cemetery? But?” Geoff asked.

“Yeah. They’re gonna take his body there and I wanna be there to clean him up,” Zayn said, sniffing, but with a determined set in his jaw.

“You sure you wanna do this, babe?” Liam asked, rubbing Zayn’s shoulders.

“Yeah. It’s the least I can do for him,” Zayn said.

Geoff nodded and turned on the car, changing his way to the cemetery.

When they got there, Zayn thanked Geoff and left the car quickly. Liam stayed behind to talk with his dad.

“Maybe we could go to the Police Station tomorrow, dad?” Liam asked, looking dubious.

“Of course, son,” Geoff said. “I’ll call my boss and tell her I’ll gonna be late tomorrow, so we can go to the police first thing in the morning.”

“Okay, thanks, dad.” Liam kissed his father’s cheek before jumping out of the car.

When Liam entered the cemetery office, Jay was holding Zayn’s shoulders and he was with a fierce look on his face. They were talking in whispers, but Liam could hear Jay say softly, “Louis and the boys are already inside, but you shouldn’t be here working, darling.”

Zayn only stared at her, and Liam understood he had already made his point. Jay sighed and let him go with a kiss to his forehead. Zayn nodded at her and looked at Liam, reaching for his hand. Liam held his hand tightly and went with him to the cleaning room. When they entered, the other boys that were already inside rounded Zayn in a group hug. He sniffed, letting them hug him, but not letting Liam’s hand go.

Louis wiped the new tears from Zayn face and kissed his cheek. “Let’s get him looking sharp, lad,” he said, pulling Zayn to the sink to clean up.

Only then Zayn let go of Liam’s hand. Liam stepped out of their way, going to where Harry and Niall were, close to the wall.

He observed the procedure that wasn’t new for him anymore. Louis and Zayn put aprons, plastic sleeves, gloves and masks. Then, they went to the body of Zayn’s grandfather, which was laid on the metal table. When they lifted the sheet that covered the body, Liam noticed new, silent tears slid down Zayn’s face.

Mr. Brannan was a strong looking man, and his face was peaceful, different from a lot of other corpses Liam saw them taking care of. Zayn movements were practiced as always, but his touch was reverent. He wasn’t crying anymore, but his eyes were bloodshot and sad. All the boys kept quiet while Louis and Zayn worked, a feeling of respect in the room.

When the body was ready, Liam was hungry. Zayn and Louis still had to dig the grave, so Liam was willing to wait. He was walking out to the cemetery ground with the other boys, when his phone went off. He looked wary at it, but breathed relieved, because it was his mom.

“Hey, mum.”

“Liam, baby, are you at the cemetery yet?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m here with Zayn,” he said, watching Zayn and Louis mark the ground where they would start to dig in.

“Geoff just told me about the collage. Are you okay, love?” she sounded worried.

“I’m not too great with everything that happened today, but I’m fine,” he answered honestly.

He heard Karen sigh. “I can imagine, baby. How's Zayn?

"Sad," Liam said, softly, looking at Zayn.

"I'm sorry for his loss." Karen sighed and said, "Did you get any dinner?”

“Not really, no.”

“So come home to get some dinner and pick up the car. I’ll feel calmer if I know you’re not walking around at night.”

Liam didn’t want to leave Zayn alone, but he guessed it was safer to have the car with him. “Okay, mum. I’ll get there soon,” he said.

They hung up and Liam came close to Zayn. “Babe, mum called me to go home and pick up the car. I’ll bring some food too. I’ll be back real quick, yeah?”

Zayn nodded with a soft “‘Kay.” He was a bit crestfallen, but looked resigned. The last time he cried was when he first saw the dead body of his grandfather, but now his eyes were dry. “Call me when you get home, yeah?”

“I will.” Liam hugged him tight and pecked his lips. “I’ll be right back, lads,” he said to all the boys, and left.

His home was a half hour walking away from the cemetery, so Liam speeded up to get there sooner. Fortunately, he had left his backpack in the car and didn’t have to carry any more weight.

He was halfway home when something painful smacked behind his head. He yelped and turned around to see what it was, his hand going to his head to feel the damage.

“Fuck,” he mumbled when he felt the back of his head wet with a bit of blood.

He located what hit his head on the ground: a rock that had rolled down the curb. His first impulse was to bend down and pick it up, but he thought better and started to walk faster.

“Hey, fag!” Liam heard the shout as soon as he turned to keep walking.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck! Not now!_ He recognized that voice; it was Jordan. He didn’t look back, he ignored the pulsing pain in his head and started to run.

“Come back here, faggot!” Liam heard heavy footsteps, more than one pair of feet, chasing him.

He forced his legs to run faster, the sound of his steps and the wind wiping his hair loud in his ears. They never had rounded Liam outside the school, but he wasn’t willing to stop and see what they wanted. He saw a shadow over the next corner and he stepped on the road to run away from it. He wouldn’t be caught twice with the same trick.

He felt a bit of satisfaction when David emerged from the corner, seething. “You fucking faggot!” he shouted, brandishing a baseball bat in his hand.

Liam’s eyes opened wide, dread filtering through his blood and making him run with all his might. David was closer than the other boys, his proximity making Liam’s breath run ragged. Liam pushed a hand in his pocket to pick up his phone when he saw another rock, this time bigger, flying over his shoulder.

“Fuck!” Liam unlocked his phone without looking at it. He had to look to call his dad, though, but he was afraid of losing his footing if he did that.

He raised his arm to try to call his dad anyway, but was stopped by a large object hitting his neck. He stumbled, his knees bending by the pain and he almost fell. He gasped when he saw that David had threw the baseball bat at his head. His arms flailed, trying to regain his footing, but he fell onto the ground when a heavy body jumped onto his back.

The combined weight of himself and David colliding on the ground left Liam winded, gasping for air. He had the presence of mind to push the emergency call button, but the other two were over him in no time, one of them kicking his phone from his hand.

He felt the weight of David being lifted from his body, but there was no relief in it, because he was kicked on his side next. He rolled to his side, folding his legs in front of his stomach to protect it, and his arms over his head. A shower of kicks descended over him, on his back, his shins, his forearms, everywhere. Feet stepped on him, spreading pain through all his body.

“Hold his legs and arms! Turn him around!” David shouted. Jordan and William held his limbs and tried to pry them, but Liam held on tight. “Your boyfriend thought we would let him laugh at us?” David said.

A violent blow hit Liam’s back and made him contort his body, the blinding pain making his limbs weaker. Jordan and William took the opportunity to grab his arms and legs and pin him on the ground, leaving his face uncovered.

“Tell your boyfriend that he’ll be the next,” David said, towering over him with the baseball bat in his hands.

Liam thrashed to get free from the hold, but, when he noticed he couldn’t, he turned his head to the side, closing his eyes and scrunching his face up. When the blow hit, he didn’t feel pain, he just heard a crack and everything faded into nothing.

 

_To keep the Goddess on my side, she demands a sacrifice_

 

The next Liam felt was a jolt, pain consuming his body from top to bottom. He whined and tried to roll over, but a pair of firm hands stopped him.

“Don’t move, son. We’re immobilizing your neck,” a gentle man said. Liam blinked his eyes open and saw blue light with the corner of his eyes, but, besides that, only blurs.

There was another person helping the man to immobilize Liam, putting something around his neck.

“You’re gonna be alright, baby,” he heard his mom said, but he wasn’t seeing her.

“Mum?” he rasped, his voice sounding ragged. He swallowed down the taste of blood and a sharp pain flared in his face. “Hurts.” He tried to look around to find his mom, but was prevented by the same man. “Mum?” he called, desperately, moaning because everything hurt.

“I’m here, baby,” Karen said, her blurry form appearing in his line of sight. She was standing over him, letting the professionals do their work. Liam blinked and his sight cleared enough for him to see that she was crying.

His father appeared by her side, his face stern. “Can’t you give him something for the pain?” he asked, sounding angry, but Liam didn’t know why. Everything was a blur of pain, he couldn’t think clearly.

“Yes, sir,” the same man answered.

Liam felt a prick in his arm and he was unconscious a couple of minutes later.

When he woke up again, he was on a hospital bed. His body was tingling, a sign he was under the influence of anaesthetics. He felt a touch in his hand and blinked his eyes open. Zayn was by the side of his bed, his face streaked with tears.

“Why are you crying?” Liam asked. His voice cracked, sounding muffled and unused. There was something covering his nose, and he felt disorientated.

“I’m crying because I’m sad and mad,” Zayn said, wiping his face. “Do you want some water?”

“Yes, please,” Liam mumbled, licking his lips.

He felt something weird in his mouth, like it was filled with cotton. He licked his teeth and yeah, there was something in his mouth. “I have something in my mouth.”

“It’s gauze. The blow you got made your teeth cut the inside of your cheek,” Zayn explained.

“Shit,” Liam mumbled, touching his cheek gingerly.

“Here.” Zayn brought water and helped Liam drink it. “There, there…” he said after Liam drunk some, and put the cup on the table.

Liam was looking around the room, feeling floaty. He frowned when he remembered what Zayn said. “Why you’re sad and mad?”

“Because my grandpa died and my boyfriend was beaten up,” Zayn said, his eyes starting to water again.

“Oh. Yeah.” Only now Liam remembered Zayn’s grandfather had died. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you cry too,” he said, and Zayn snorted a humourless laugh.

“Who did this to you, Liam?” he asked.

“David, Jordan and William,” he said without a thought, biting softly the gauze inside his mouth. Liam noticed Zayn take a deep breath and nod. “Your grandpa’s burial already happened?”

“No. It will be in the morning.”

“Oh. What time is it?”

“It’s 9pm.”

“Hm. I’m sleepy.”

“You can sleep, babe,” Zayn said, sitting back by his side.

Liam closed his eyes and slept.

The next day, he was hurting all over. The anaesthetic had worn off and he had to take painkillers to numb the pain. His mom asked for a leave on her work to stay at the hospital with him and told him what happened while he was out of it.

He had a concussion, his nose was broken and one of his ribs was sprained. Besides that, he had a luxation on his left ankle, some cuts on his face and inside his cheek, one of his eyes was so swollen it was closed, and he had a lot of bruises. He told his mom what happened and she called Geoff to tell him.

He didn’t hear of Zayn that morning, but it was okay. He was at the burial of his grandpa and, even if he wasn’t, there’s school.

Later that morning, his father entered the room with a frustrated expression on his face.

“I went to press charges at the police,” he said, once he was sat by Liam’s side. “I gave them the collage and your phone with the messages.” He paused and Liam nodded, understanding. “They told me they couldn’t arrest the men that hurt you, because they don’t have proof. We have to wait the investigation.”

“Did you tell them they threatened to hurt Zayn next?” Liam asked.

“I did, but they said the same. No proof, no arrest.”

“And they’ll stay free to hurt Liam again?” Karen asked, sounding panicked.

“They won’t. I won’t allow that to happen again,” Geoff said, fiercely.

Liam looked from his dad to his mom, feeling their same frustration, but he didn’t have anything to say. It was in the hands of the police now.

 

_Something meaty for the main course_

 

Liam was eating dinner when Louis, Niall and Harry rushed inside his hospital room. He frowned when he saw their faces. Karen stood up, looking worried.

“Zayn was arrested,” Louis said, without preamble.

“What?” Liam gasped. “Why?”

“Because he beat the shit outta David, Jordan and William,” Niall said, sounding proud. Louis nodded, reflecting the same sentiment.

“Oh my lord, why did he do that?” Karen asked, covering her mouth with a hand.

“He knew the police wouldn’t do shit with them,” Niall said, making a disgusted face.

“So he went there and did with them the same they did with me?” Liam asked. His mind was blown with a mix of feelings. He was disappointed at Zayn for doing that, and in a time like that no less, with his grandpa recently deceased. Trisha must be pulling her hair off with worry, and Yaser probably wasn’t any better. Liam was worried as well, but he couldn’t deny he was a bit elated for Zayn taking matters into his own hands. But he wouldn’t say that aloud, of course.

“Yeah, Liam. He went there and gave them what he knew the police wouldn’t give,” Louis said, with ferocity.

“And because of that he was arrested!” Liam snapped back.

“He was arrested because he is brown and a Muslim!” Louis shouted. “The police don’t have any proof against him besides the fact that he’s not white.”

“That’s exactly why he should have done nothing! He knows people don’t trust him! He should lay low and run from David, not towards him!” Liam shouted back, his nose and mouth hurting from the effort.

“Calm down, boys,” Karen intervened, appalled. “We’re in a hospital, and shouting won’t solve our problems.”

“You don’t understand, do you?” Louis said at Liam with a sneer on his face, but lowering his voice. “With his pretty face, how much time do you think it will be until he get raped if he go to jail? How much time until he turns into their Paki bitch?”

“Louis!” Karen reprimanded his language, but he ignored.

“My best friend is in prison because he couldn’t handle the fucking injustice of digging the grave of his grandpa and have the boy he loves beaten up at the same fucking day!” Louis shouted again.

“What the fuck can I do?” Liam gritted. “Do you think I don’t care? I fucking care! But what can I do stuck on a hospital bed?”

“He needs a lawyer, Liam,” Harry said, the first thing he said since they stormed in the room. “He needs a lawyer and he can’t pay for one.”

Liam looked pleadingly at Karen. She nodded and picked up her phone immediately.

 

_That's a fine looking high horse_

 

Harry stayed at the hospital with Liam while Karen and Geoff left to go to the Police Station. They were taking a lawyer there to free Zayn from the unfair preventive detention. Louis and Niall went with them.

“What did he do exactly, Harry?” Liam asked, when they were alone.

“When he knew who had did that to you, he went to the cemetery, picked up Louis car and a shovel―”

“A shovel?!” Liam asked, shocked.

“A shovel,” Harry confirmed, nodding. “And went to William first, because he is the one that lives the farthest. And well, you don’t need me to tell you what he did with that shovel,” he said, grimly. “Then he went to Jordan, and then David. He left them worse than they left you.”

“Fuck…” Liam breathed.

“Yeah. Niall and I stayed with Lou at the cemetery to finish digging the grave to give Zayn an alibi. If anyone ask, he was with Louis digging the grave and he and Niall will be testimony. I can’t because I’m a minor.”

“Damn…” Liam mumbled. “Do you think the police will believe in Louis and Niall?”

“I dunno. I hope so,” Harry said and bowed his head. “If Mr. Brannan was alive he would be his alibi.”

“What? How come?” Liam frowned.

“They had an agreement that if the police arrested Zayn whenever, Mr. Brannan would say Zayn was with him, so he could have an alibi.”

“This is―” Liam cut himself off, not knowing how to finish the phrase.

“That was his way to protect Zayn. Mr. Brannan was white and known in the town. He knew his privileges,” Harry said.

“But this is so… Dunno, amoral,” Liam said. Harry just shrugged.

Liam knew Zayn was freed from prison just before sleeping. Zayn went straight to his home, because, besides being deeply sad, his mom was worried sick. Liam wanted to see him, but understood the reason Zayn couldn’t go there at the time. His parents confiscated his phone, so he couldn’t call Liam as well.

The next morning, Zayn went to see him.

“Zayn,” Liam gasped and tried to sit up quickly. He grunted from the pain when his back and leg resented the sudden movement. Zayn rushed towards him, helping him sit up. Once he was settled, he pulled Zayn down into a hug. “What did you do? You’re crazy!”

Zayn chuckled and kissed his neck. Karen got up to hug Zayn as well, smiling softly at him.

“How are you, sweetie?” she asked. Zayn just shrugged, making a small face. She kissed his cheek with an understanding smile. “I’ll leave you two alone a bit, yeah?” And she left the room.

Zayn looked at Liam, a small, sad smile on his lips. He pulled a chair close to the bed and sat on it, holding Liam’s hands. He looked a bit worse for wear, but wasn’t hurt in any visible places.

“How are you, babe?” he asked, looking at Liam.

“How are _you_?” Liam said, squeezing Zayn’s hands when he made another face. “No, really. What the fuck did you do?”

“I didn’t do nothing,” Zayn said, his face serious.

“You beat the shit out of them, Zayn. I can understand the motivation, but... You should’ve known better,” Liam said, sadly.

“How come I should’ve known better, Liam?” Zayn asked, pulling his hands from Liam’s.

“You didn’t think they would catch you? That they wouldn’t give you the same benefit of doubt they’d give David and the others?” Liam said, frustrated.

“Of course I knew, Liam!” Zayn said, incensed. Liam could see he was gritting his teeth. “I just didn’t care.”

“Are you insane?! Zayn, you were arrested! Probably will be investigated. You can go back to prison!” Liam was baffled.

“I’ll only be arrested again if the judge decided to condemn me without any proof,” Zayn said.

“So, you’re aware that’s an option, yeah?” Liam sniped. “We should be better than them, show we’re above them, Zayn.”

“Fuck better! Fuck above!” Zayn said, fiercely. “I’m not above them and I won’t pretend I am. I wanted them to hurt as much as they hurt you. I wanted them to feel scared, cornered, not knowing if they’d live or die.”

“Did it feel good? To make them feel like that?” Liam asked, frustrated. He was disappointed by Zayn acting like that.

“It wasn’t about me feeling good. It was about teaching them a lesson. They thought they could do anything they want and nothing would happen. Guess what, I happened.” Zayn crossed his arms in front of his body, his jaw set in a hard line.

“I thought you were better than this.” Liam sighed tiredly. His nose was pulsing with pain, and his rib was hurting every time he breathed.

“Well, it looks like I’m not. And you wanna know? I don’t regret any of it. I’d do it again as many times as I deemed necessary,” Zayn said, with fire in his eyes. “And if they, or any other fuckers, decide to try their luck hurting someone I love, I’ll do it all over again.”

Liam looked down, his frown contorted by the swelling of his eye. “Zayn―”

“No, Liam. Just no. Don’t ask me to not use the tools I have to protect you. I simply can’t. While they were calling us names, I could ignore, but they ganged up and left you unconscious on the ground. If you hadn’t push the emergency button…” He shook his head, taking a deep breath. “If I hadn’t done anything, they wouldn’t get any punishment. You know that.”

The fact was that Liam knew, but that didn’t make him feel any better about his boyfriend beating them up.

“So you went there and taking law into your own hands?” Liam said, feeling so very tired.

“I didn’t make any justice. This isn’t about justice. There’s no justice and no excuses. I just communicated with them in the language they speak,” Zayn said. “Why should I act superior when I don’t feel superior? Just to placate the hypocrites? I wished their harm and acted on it. And I don’t regret it. This is an illusion, Liam.” He gestured around them. “All of this. They teach us to act superior…” He tutted. “It’s not acceptable to wish harm to others, so people pretend that they wish well. They say ‘I don’t wish them any harm, but none escapes karma’. Guess what, waiting for karma is the same as wishing people’s harm.”

Liam leaned his head on the headboard and closed his eyes. His head was hurting, a throb of pain pulsing in his nose and radiating to all his face. He was trying to reconcile with everything Zayn said ― he had a point, though. And no, Liam didn’t agree with Zayn beating people up, but he tried to picture himself in his place for the first time since he woke up in the hospital. He imagined Zayn beaten up in the same day his grandfather died. All the pain and revolt bubbling in his chest. He still couldn’t picture himself beating someone up the way Harry said Zayn did, but he felt tentacles of a ferocity he never felt before squirm themselves in his chest. He swallowed hard and opened his eyes, looking at Zayn.

“Why a shovel, though?” Liam asked.

“To be poetic,” Zayn answered, smirking. “You should have seen their faces when I got to every one of them and said ‘I told you I didn’t walk alone’.”

Liam couldn’t help a snort of laugh. “You’re unbelievable.”

Zayn smiled and uncrossed his arms. “Not really. I needed to beat them up with something, so it was better to leave my fingerprints in something inconspicuous. That’s why your dad’s lawyer could take me off from preventive detention.”

Liam made a face, but had to agree that the shovel was a clever thought.

They kept quiet for some moments. Liam was looking at the sheet of the bed and Zayn looking at him. He could feel the weight of Zayn’s eyes, his slightly tense posture, waiting.

“I’m not sorry,” Zayn broke the silence.

“I dunno how to feel about it,” Liam said, and looked at Zayn. “I have to think―”

“Do you wanna be left alone?” Zayn asked.

“No!” Liam gasped. “Of course not! Come here, why you’re this far from me?” He raised his hand for Zayn to take it.

He noticed Zayn’s body unclenching after this, and he went to sit by his side on the bed. He wrapped his arms around Liam carefully and kissed his cheek gingerly.

“Sorry if I disappointed you,” Zayn said. “But I’d do it again. It’s better if you know what I’m capable of sooner than later.”

Liam cuddled close to Zayn and closed his eyes. “I always had thought you were capable of something like that, you know? Before we start to hang out, I mean,” Liam said. “But I thought you’d do that for the wrong reasons.”

“You mean you think I did that for the right reason then?” Zayn teased, and Liam pinched his waist, making him giggle.

They stayed that way for some time, until Karen knocked on the door and entered, bringing Geoff with her. He closed the door and came closer to the bed.

“We hadn’t the opportunity to talk alone after you left the Police Station,” Geoff said to Zayn. “But I want to thank you, son.”

“Dad!” Liam was shocked by his dad’s words. Geoff ignored him.

“I’m a parent, and what you did is morally wrong, but all my being wanted to do that. You two don’t understand this yet, because you don’t have kids, but the protectiveness we felt toward our kids is too strong. I was so enraged, but had to keep it all bottled up and…” He breathed a long puff of air, his eyes shining with tears. “Thank you for that,” he said again, looking at Zayn.

“Anytime, Geoff,” Zayn said, winking. Liam pinched him again.

“I prefer you not doing that again, love,” Karen said, smiling with her eyes brimming with tears. “But I understand why you did that.”

“We won’t let you go to jail because of it,” Geoff promised with such finality, that Liam believed.

 

_I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies_

 

Zayn’s lawyer, Mr. O’Brien, who insisted for them to call him Paddy, went to the hospital to see Liam. He was there to tell Liam what to do in case he was called to testify, be it at the Police Station or at a possible trial.

“Sorry for bothering you in here, Liam,” Paddy said, looking apologetic. “But I have to be quick, because we need matching stories.”

He asked Liam to tell him everything he knew, and then, he asked Liam to tell him everything he _saw_.

“Keep your answers simple,” Paddy said. “If the question can be answered by a simple yes or no, use them. Use the fact you were hospitalized when the incident occurred to our advantage. You know nothing, because you were here at the hospital. If they ask you to recollect what you know, you answer only with what you saw.”

“Okay.” Liam nodded, frowning a bit. “So I have to lie.”

“If you want your boyfriend out of jail, yes, you do.”

Later that day, Karen was out of the room taking care of some papers, when Louis came to visit. Liam was getting ready to go home and told him about what Paddy said.

“Yeah, I know,” Louis said, messing with the hospital’s equipment. “I was called to testimony already. I told them that after leaving you here, Zayn went to dig his grandpa’s grave with me. You know, it seems that the fact that it was his grandpa made them believe in me. That’s ol’ Mr. Brannan being Zayn’s alibi even after he died. What a champ.”

“I dunno if I’ll be any convincing lying to the police,” Liam mumbled.

“You know those fuckers have a big chance to escape going to jail, don’t you?” Louis said, annoyed. “Do you think Zayn should go to jail when they can get free? I mean, if you think it’s fair Zayn going to jail on any account, mate...” Louis shook his head, trailing off.

“It’s not that…” Liam started to say. He knew that the right thing in the eyes of the law would be Zayn and the others being condemned, but he knew that the law was easily bended to other interests.

“So what is it, Liam?” Louis asked, putting his hands on his hips in a challenging stance.

Liam frowned and looked down. “No, you’re right. I’ll do it,” he mumbled.

“Good.”

Liam was called to testimony at the Police Station the next day. He was upset when he realized that the officers were trying to make him incriminate Zayn, regardless if he was guilty or not. That wouldn’t do, that wouldn’t do at all. So, Liam looked the police officer that was questioning him straight in the eyes and lied through his teeth.

 

_There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin_

 

The boys went to Liam’s home when he left the Police Station. He was too sore to stay out of bed for much time. Zayn was laid down by his side, cuddling him, and the other boys were spread on the floor.

“Man, I still can’t believe they arrested you without any proof. They only needed the words of those idiots to do that,” Niall said, from the floor.

“But then, if he wasn’t arrested, we wouldn’t have the greatest story, yeah?” Louis said, laughing. “I wish I was a fly in the room when they said what you were being accused of and you said ‘Wha? Someone beat them up? Who’re they? I wanna say thank you’.” He was contorting on the floor, laughing.

Zayn chuckled and said, “They’d never pry a confession from me, mate.”

Paddy said that the fact that Zayn didn’t confess had helped to take him out of preventive detention.

“When I grow up I wanna be like you,” Louis said, fist bumping with Zayn.

When the boys went home, Liam and Zayn stayed cuddled on the bed. At first, when Liam had heard about what Zayn did to David, Jordan and William, he felt a bit strange towards him. He lived all his life hearing his parents say that it was wrong to beat people up, and he still thought it was wrong. But he couldn’t look at Zayn and hold it against him. Zayn was always so kind and gentle with him and with everyone around them. It was hard to reconcile the image he had of his boyfriend and that person that could use a shovel to bring harm to others.

“There’s only one thing I regret,” Zayn whispered.

Liam blinked his eyes open and looked at him. “What, babe?” he asked in the same tone of voice.

“Making my parents worry,” Zayn answered, still whispering. “My dad was really mad at me. I understand him, yeah, I even agree with him being mad. But mum was so sad, like. Even more sad, you know? The timing was the worst possible...”

“Not that I think there would be a more adequate time for you to beat them up,” Liam said, smiling sadly. “But yeah. It was really tough on you.”

“No, babe,” Zayn raised his head from the pillow to look at Liam. “It was tough on _you_. Don’t get me wrong here. You were the one that suffered the most. I didn’t I get it worse than you. I’m sorry that I made my mum worry, that I disappointed you―” Liam cut him off with a finger on his lips.

“I’m the only one responsible for my disappointment. I’m sorry if I made you think I thought you were less than wonderful. I was shocked, but I’d do the same for you,” Liam said the last part without thinking, and what a surprise it was that it was true.

Liam sighed and cuddled back in Zayn’s arms, finally understanding that a good person can do something bad and still be worthy.

 

_That looks tasty_

 

The next few days were a blur. Zayn’s parents had convinced him to change schools. He was in the last year before Uni, and it was too risky to stay in a place where he could see David, William and Jordan on a daily basis. Liam was sad for him leaving the school and the Glee club, but he understood it was for the best. So, when David’s parents went to the school to demand Zayn’s expulsion, he wasn’t there anymore.

Geoff left his truck with Liam, so he could come and go from school more comfortably ― and protected. Louis, Niall and Harry created a united front to protect Liam at school, even making a schedule to never leave him alone ― which was as endearing as it was annoying. But Liam was thankful for having them.

The Glee Club lost a lot of its meaning after Zayn left. Liam still loved music with all his heart, but he couldn’t enjoy the club as much as he enjoyed when Zayn was there.

After David and his friends were back at school, they kept a wide berth from Liam. He wouldn’t let his guard down anytime soon, of course, but it was good to have them away. He heard that William’s father had taken his car and his phone after he went home from the hospital. The parents of the others were just angry. They didn’t believe ― or pretended they didn’t ― in their kids beating Liam up.

Four weeks later, Liam was watching some series on his laptop when his dad called him.

“Hello, dad?” he answered after pausing the episode.

“Son! The police got the IP address of the computer that was sending you the hate messages,” his dad said, sounding excited.

“Really?” Liam perked up.

“Guess who has the same IP address?”

“It wouldn’t happen to be someone called David, would it?” Liam asked, ironically.

“Oh, how did you know?” his dad said, drily, and Liam laughed. “So, this means he was indicted and will respond for harassment.”

“Well, it’s better than nothing,” Liam said, sighing.

“Yeah. But let’s hope they find the baseball bat,” Geoff said.

“Yeah, let’s hope.”

Liam doubted the police would do much about the case if his dad wasn’t pressuring them. To them, it was just a kids’ fight, unimportant. To be honest, Liam didn’t care if David and his friends were arrested. He just wanted to be left alone and that Zayn’s case ended into nothing.

 

_Good God, let me give you my life_

 

Two months later, when Liam was leaving school with Harry, Zayn called him. He answered the call standing close to the car, looking around in a suspicious manner he developed after being attacked.

“Babe?” Liam said.

“Hey, babe! I have great news, but I wanna tell you face to face. Where are you? Already left school?” Zayn asked, sounding excited.

“I’m leaving just now,” Liam said. “But what is it? Don’t make me curious!”

“I’m going to your home,” Zayn ignored his request and hung up on him.

“I can’t believe he hung up,” Liam said to Harry, baffled.

Harry chuckled. “What happened?”

“Zayn said he has great news, but would tell only face to face,” Liam answered, annoyed.

“Well, he must want to celebrate with sex,” Harry leered, entering the car.

“Shut up,” Liam mumbled, turning the car on.

He couldn’t deny that he was excited about what Zayn had to tell him. He hoped it was about his case in the police.

He left Harry at his home and went to his own, curious about what Zayn wanted to tell him. When he got there, Zayn was in the kitchen with Karen. He dropped his backpack on the floor and gave a kiss on his mom’s cheek, and went to peck Zayn’s lips next.

“What are this news you have that you have to say face to face?” Liam asked right away.

“The case was closed!” Zayn said, with a huge smile.

“No shit?” Liam gasped and crushed him in a hug. “Oh my god! How? When?” He was so excited he could jump around.

“Paddy called me just before I called you,” Zayn answered, squeezing Liam tight.

“I can’t believe it!” Karen said, smiling and hugging both boys. “It deserves a celebration!”

“It does!” Liam agreed. “But how was that?”

“They just didn’t have evidence enough to keep with the investigation,” Zayn said, a big smile on his face. “It was just their word against mine. Of course, if Paddy wasn’t with me that would be enough, but.” He shrugged.

“I’m so happy,” Liam said, his smile pushing his cheeks up and making his eyes close with happiness.

“Me too,” Zayn said, looking at Liam’s face so close to him. He kissed Liam’s cheek and looked at Karen. “Thank you so much, Karen. If it wasn’t for you and Geoff, I doubt I would get out if this.”

“Oh, shush. We did what we had to do. It was the right thing,” Karen said, a fond smile on her face. “I have to call Trisha,” she said, excited, turning to the phone. “We need to celebrate in family.” She was clearly happy.

Liam smiled at Zayn and held his hand. “You tell us later what you and Trisha decide to do, ‘kay, mum?” he said, taking Zayn to his bedroom. When they got there, Liam held his face and kissed him softly.

“I’m so happy, babe. So, so happy,” he whispered close to Zayn’s lips.

They were standing in the middle of the room, but none of them was worried about sitting right now, too keyed up by the news. Zayn wrapped his hands around Liam’s waist and kissed him, taking the kiss deeper.

“I’m relieved,” Zayn whispered when they broke the kiss.

Liam just looked at him, nodding and caressing his hair.

“Mum was so scared,” Zayn said.

“I know,” Liam said, softly.

Zayn was looking at Liam, his eyes huge and so full of fondness.

“I couldn’t do that without you,” he said, his deep brown eyes shining in Liam’s direction. “Thank you, _Jaan_.” he added, with so much devotion in his expression that Liam could cry.

“Zayn―” Liam gasped, not knowing how to finish the phrase nor how to reciprocate the endearment. He had learnt about it one day he was at Zayn’s home and he heard Trisha calling Yaser ‘ _Jaan_ ’ _._ He asked if it was a nickname and she explained to him the significance of the expression, how it went deeper than the plain meaning of the word 'life'. He wished there was an equivalent in English, but. “You’re my _Jaan_ too,” he said, earnestly. “You’re my _Jaan_ , Zayn.” He pulled him into another crushing hug. “I love you so much.” And he kissed him.

Zayn kissed him back with the same emotion, clinging onto him just as tight.

“I love you too,” Zayn said against his mouth. “Thank you.”

“You’re thanking me for what?” Liam asked, leaning back a bit.

“Besides your parents paying for a lawyer, you mean?” Zayn teased, but got serious quickly. “I know you didn’t want to lie to the police,” he said, softly, no trace of judgment in his voice. “You don’t have this in you, but you did it anyway. So, thank you, babe.”

“You don’t have to thank me. If someone had to say thank you here, it’s me,” Liam said, shaking his head.

“You mean you’re thankful that I beat the shit out of them?” Zayn teased, but Liam ignored him.

He took a deep breath and looked Zayn in the eyes.

“I had it in me, Zayn. When I saw that the officer just wanted to arrest you, not really caring about justice…” Liam ruffed an annoyed breath. “You’ve been opening my eyes since before we were friends. You changed me, Zayn. For the better. And there’s no other thing I could do than protect you. It’s me and you against the world, babe. I won’t let you down.”

 

_Only then I am human, only then I am clean_

_Amen. Amen. Amen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated!  
> xx

**Author's Note:**

> About funeral care, I actually have a friend who used to work with the dead, and he told me a lot about how it works. This fic was inspired a bit by his stories.


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